butterflies and hurricanes

tomorow is needed.
ill get away for a few days, go a little bit up north.
thank god.

paper trail

At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.


If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
 
-A Series of Unfortunate Events

promise

"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"


you know you really are,cc

start the shooting

merry christmas

a shot in the dark

i hate this.. i fucking hate this.
i dont wanna wake up tomorow, because when i do i know that i wont be going to my dads later that day.
when i use to go i felt comfort, now when i go.. its not the same.
boxes, bags, shit everywhere, every electronic item is unpluged, all the food has either been donated or thrown away.
sitting on the couch, in silence, waiting until i leave, knowing he will never walk through that door again.
everytime i put on one of his shirts, i know he will never wear it again.
sorry to be a downer on christmas eve, to whoever reads this, but its hard to be happy,especialy in this circumstance.

over my head

completely misread im better off dead

snow

im worried that youre either slowing becoming a drunk, or insane..
i should not have to worry about you.
i should not be telling you to go to sleep because youre clearly exhausted and have work the next morning and youre still up at 12am.
i should not feel like i need to take care of you, not now.
ive really been questioning you, these past few days.
i dont know what to think.
im possably over reacting, or maybe im not.
who knows...

dead before i died

i wish i still had my dad.
i mean obviously he still is my dad,
but i wish he was alive.

animals

i can feel the pain getting worse and worse

plagues

i got a card in the mail, at my dads house, a few weeks ago.
it was from a woman i didnt know, or prbably did just didnt know know her name because i hadnt seen her in forever.
it was a christmas card for me and my dad.
she obviously didnt know because it wished us a happy christmas and whatever, unless it was just late..
either way it was like..wow.. hes never going to read this.
same with all his bills and other mail he gets addressed to him.
it gets opened up, not by him, but by my cousin, who is co-executive of the will and his money.
things shouldnt be this way.

killing with a smile

i understand your reason, and i accept it, but still..
christmas without a tree seems abnormal.
opening up gifts.. not around a tree, thats not tradition.
this is the first year in 17 years i've had a christmas with no decorations, no tree, no dad, and probably not seeing family..
this christmas really sucks

audience of one

i cant wait for the day when i can sleep in as late as i want and not have to worry about getting up because i have to do something.

deadly beautiful

i was reading some of my old posts today from january to some of march.
i liked a lot of them, the ones that were purely thought based and not about me bitching or something.
Posts that were seperate from everyday life, like drama, feelings and school.
i had really bad english..spelling..grammer though, i mean its not that much better now but at least now i can tell the difference between when to use their and there.
i can also tell when my priorities started to change.
some stuff i couldnt remember why i wrote it but for the most part, i rememberd every thought and reason that went into them.
i think i lost my touch thouh (whatever touch i had) my wording got fucked up along the way to the present.

inevermeanttostartawar

Sometimes I think about calling naomi, my dads ex, and telling her what happend.
They stopped talking after they broke up but still, I wonder how she would feel.
Probably a stupid thing to wonder but I think in this case, she might be better off not knowing.
I think in this case, ignorance is bliss.

gives me hope

Today a four year old boy (the son of a friend) gave me a teddy bear a family friend had just given him.
He knew about my dad and thought it would make me feel better.
It really did.
It made my day, probably my week.
I think im in love:p
He told his mom, my friend, to tell me that whenever i'm sad, to hug it.
It's been with me all day.

how much are you worth?

new cell in january?(yn)
a job?(yn)

origin of symmetry

it does not feel like 22 dyas..
it feels like its been longer and at the same time like it was just 2 days ago


i can not fucking comprehend something i witnessed..wtf
and at the same time, theres so much pain i wish i didnt ever have to wake up

no line on the horizon

i don't think i've ever felt so much jelousy toward so many people before

close my eyes, hope will never die

there is absolutley no fucking way it's possable...

the worst thing to think, but if you were in my situation, most likely you'd be thinking it to

but why should i care?

the darkenss holding me tightly until the sun rises up

a small spot of light floods the floor

its sad that im not looking forward to the 24th or 25th

10000 days

i really regret getting some of those extensions:P

bed of razors

i feel guilty that im not a total mess.. on the outside

1958

i got home and i really didnt want to be there.
i open the lobbey door, walk past the elevators, walk past the stairs and i headed straight for the exit door, making up my next move as i went.
i walked outside and headed for a bench, not too far away form my appartment.
using my purse as a pillow, i laid down and stared at the sky.
watching the clouds go by and seeing the odd star, i felt at peace.
i was freezing cold, no hat and no gloves, and my figners were cold to the point that changing songs on my ipod became a mission.
i kept telling my self " youll get sick, your hands will get frost bite", but it didnt matter.
i dont know why but i felt more comfortable, shaking from the cold, than if i was in my appartment.
lying on that bench, blasting my music, listening to 1958 and hey john, whats your name again, i felt soothed.
i didnt want to go up but i knew i had to becuase this feeling would probably last for a while and i couldnt afford to get sick again.
i just wanted to escape, be completly alone, with maybe contact with one other person.
i cant even beging to explain it, i wish i was still out there.
i dont know if it helped, but i think it did.
i think i found my new serenity.

too many doses and im starting to get an attraction

Every body is tired and poor and sick of trying
If you see me on a corner will you stop or will you splash me?
Take a look at what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of
A pretty family on postcard picture perfect, I don't want it

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

Shitty weather, bad timing, lucky penny glues to the ground,
dirty look from total stranger, hope you get lost and your not found
Take a look at, what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of
A pretty family on postcard picture perfect, I don't want it

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

This is, how it, it goes

So unscrew my head, and then rinse it out,
Polish my thoughts, turn into doubts

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes

i never thought that this is how id hit the floor

i cant go any further than this

i dont give a fuck what you think or say

its hard to figure out what i want to listen to.
beyond linkin park, atreyu and avenged sevenfold, and at random times billy talent, devil wears prada and a day to remember or other songs, i dont find happiness in artists i once use to.
i listen to them but i dont get the same satisfaction.

undead

i feel so numb and empty.
i dont really care about school anymore.
everything i cared about before seems pointless.
i still care about my family and friends but mostly everything else not so much.

40 ounces to freedom

i hate this.
i really do.
i cant concetrate.
i feel so stressed.
i dont want to be at school.
i want to hide in my bed and never wake up.
problem being, i think ive become partialy insomniac.
i dont usualy get tired and i have to force myself to sleep.
ive had my bedroom curtains closed since november 28th.
i dont believe im strong, just that im in denial.
i dont know if ill ever get over it.
im scared for the future.
i feel like im over reacting.
i feel guilty when i smile or laugh.
it hurts to smile and laugh.
ive never been in so much pain before.its unexplainable.
i wish you could be here.
everyday i hope to god im just in a horribly real, long nightmare.
every morning i want to go back to sleep, because its easier than facing the truth.

i said i love you and i swear i still do

love
families
dads
cooking
baking
tea
tv
movies
shows
gardening
knowledge
death
cancer
hospitals
idiocracy
large words..
school
university
football
hockey
golf
enya
U2
AC/DC
books
history
science
logic
religion
church
ireland/irish..
strength
weakness
happiness
sadness
seasons
tubbing
tobogganing
christmas
March
November
October
Septmenber
west 49
vacation
suprises
places
camping
classic music
baseball
tennis
manners
chinese food
popey
paintings
creativity
ice cream
espresso
video games
loss
the future
appreciation
the past
your sweater
the tigger you gave me
some of your shirts
humour
peacefulness
candles

Rest In Peace

        My dad was an amazing person. He had such a good sense of humour that was still present up until his last 10 minutes. It isn't fair that he was taken from us, and it feels like we didn't get enough time with him, however, it would probably never feel like enough time.
        I loved my dad so much, he meant the world to me, and he still does. There aren't enough words to describe the amount of pain that I'm going through, as I'm sure everyone who also loved him is.
         He affected so many people. He wasn't just a fatehr, he was a brother, son, nephew, cousin, husband, boyfriend, uncle, friend, godfather, employee and best friend. He was loved by a lot of people which shows how special he was to everyone. I miss my dad a lot, I'll never forget him. I know he'll always be in our thoughts and prayers.
         To me, my dad wasn't just a father but also my hero. He was so unbelievably strong, I only wish that I could be half as strong as him. In my eyes, no man, or anyone will ever compare to him, he's irreplacable. He taught me so many things, told me stories, kept me safe, and in the end it isn't about the time amount of things he bought me, but all the little things that, no matter what, I'll always be thankful for and will always remember.
         This whole situation doesn't seem real. How could someone who means so much to so many people, and was too young, pass away? I never thought I would loose my dad at this age, mine and his. No one could ever be able to explain what it feels like to find out your parent is really sick. Having numerous talks about the future and the inevitable, instead of what happened durring the week at my school or his work. Or not being able to visit him because he's too sick. I never imagined or even thought that I would be going shopping for clothes that I would be wearing to my dads funeral, or writing him a letter while he's in the hospital letting him know how i feel, and now at his funeral, talking about my late dad.
          Nothing could ever express what it feels like to walk into a house I know he will never step into again, and search for pictures that will be displayed at his fuenral or getting the house, I grew up in, ready to be put on the market, to be sold to some stranger, and than proceeding to visit my dad, who would only be alive for a couple more hours. Something I'll never forget though is watching someone i love so much slowly die over a course of months, and within 10 minutes just pass away. Hearing the last noise he ever made will haunt me for the rest of my life.
           Memories fill my mind from when i was little, to just last week. I only wish there could be more, but i know there never will be. But it's okay becase he's not in pain anymore, he's finaly at peace. He's in a better place which is what's important. I admire my dad so much, and I'll miss him forever. It wont be easy but eventualy we'll be able to get through this together, which is what he would've wanted.
          I love you dad.
       

you're the reason i still cry

Im sitting here reading a book for english, and all i can think is how i'll never be able to share with him (on a physical level) what im doing in school, or whats going on in my life. Ill never get to hear his thoughts, his oppinions or his ideas. He'll never be around anymore to lend me a book he thinks i might like, or advise something that might help me.

the world is so cold now that you've gone away

I can't explain how much I love and appreciate my friends and family

i can't deal, it's so unfair

well that was random.
thank you.
It was a nice suprise:)
k.m

in loving memory

I don't think im ready for school next week.
Honestly, I dont know if i'll ever be ready.
Every time i see something relating to my situation it kills me a little bit more inside, and it seems like thats all the time.
Im scared that i'll forget what he looks like, or sounds like.
I really wish that I could hear his voice again, just one last time, or see him, and not in any picture, but in the flesh.
I don't know what to do.

But black roses and Hail Mary's Cant bring back what's taken from me

-i hate that i can relate to every single word of this song

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky

And call out your name And if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold Now that you've gone away

November 28, 2009. 5:45 pm

come and go like ocean waves

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare

I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And their gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

as the days turn into nights

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where every thing's nothing, without you
I wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

Through it all
I've made my mistakes
I'll stumble and fall
But I mean these words
[Chorus]

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
And I'll hold on to this moment you know
As I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken
Forever and know
Pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I did and how so
I won't let this go
Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

On the streets, where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
I've come to an end

[Chorus]

In front of you're eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of you're eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
(What you will find [x4])

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where every thing's nothing, without you

[Chorus x2]

our time will tell if life goes on

iv'e been listening to linkin park a lot lately,
as if their a newly discovered band

one day this worlds gona end

i guess it's better your in a really really amazingly nice place, but it's lowering my hope a lot.

now im trying to find my way back home

i'd really love to know how human kind can walk on the moon, send a satelite lightyears and lightyears away, make a cell phone that was once a brick into a little thing that goes into our ear, create coloured tv, new machines, and create something where one person can type in something and a million hits can come up( also known as internet..) and yet we cant discover treatment and cures for some "incurable" diseases.

is it actualy incurable or have you just not found the cure yet?

i understand it isn't easy, but it's the 21st century and look at all the things that have been accomplished, even in the past 30 years.

bloody nails and broken hearts

im really finding it hard to care

diamond on a landmine

We're dancing on thin ice before
Frozen from the winter's cold
And if it were to crack below
I'd never let you go

took over my senses and i lost control

it's getting really hard to handle.
i'd love to see you stay positive.
trust me,it sounds better on the outside.

for those who have heart

i'm on the edge of the rooftop
thinking nobody will ever know
i hope that you'd want to be the one to see
the distance from the road

this is our triumph over all the forms of filth you've spread
well never let this go
right from the very start i knew this day would come
tonights the night we silence you
there's nowhere left to run

let this be your reminder
i'm everything that you wanted to be
hope for the best but it's over
and you thought you were better than me

such a pretty picture
your chalk line on the ground
i hope you die

such a pretty picture, your chalk line on the ground

everythings been insane
i know before i said this semester would be easy because i thought i had slack courses but, to be honest, there begining to be too much.
english is a fucking bitch, dramas just a pain and families is like a social studies version of bio;
its all memorization.

normaly this wouldnt bother me as much but considering all aspects, it really sucks.

i cant remember the last time i cried

it sucks that we dont really talk anymore

Congregation Of The Damned

Knives out
We bare our teeth
Strength and pain are what rules the world
End of days and we're racing to red lights
Does that make sense to anyone else?

Deny any wrong doing
Pass the buck and then fake some more blame
Lie's a circle then we all reap the whirlwind
Then we push for war
...
What goes around
Comes around
And around and around and
Hateful young men
Turn to old hateful men
What goes around
Comes around
And around and around and
Hateful young men
Turn to old dead men

Broken glass, your fake reflection

im scared out of my fucking mind

critical acclaim

Be quiet, you might piss somebody off
Like me motherfucker, you've been at it for too long
While you feed off all this insecurity
You stand in front of me and bite the hand that feeds

(Self-righteousness is wearing thin)
Lies inside your head your best friend
(I'll bleed but not for fellow man)
Broken glass, your fake reflection

Telling them its all for something real
Don't forsake the words you speak
You've gone too far, acclaim

So how does it feel to know that someones kid in the heart of America
Has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights
So you can maintain the lifestyle that insults this family's existence
Well, where I'm from we have a special salute we wave high in the air
Towards all those pompous asses who spend their days pointing fingers

Fuck you

Be quiet, you might piss somebody off
Like the heartbeat of this country when antagonized too long
I'll be damned if you count me in
As part of your generous hypocrisy collected in a maze

(Tabloid gossip, we want less real)
There's no need for us to bury you
(Selfish agenda, once again)
Right this way, deter your own grave

Telling them its all for something real
Don't forsake the words you speak
You've gone too far, acclaim

All the way from the east to the west
We've got this high society looking down on this very foundation
Constantly reminding us that our actions are the cause of all their problems
Pointing the fingers in every direction
Blaming their own nation for who wins elections
They've never contributed a fucking thing to the country they love to criticize

Excuse the obscene, ignore the untrue
Depictions we see, try and get through
And many mistakes cant hurt
I'm not the last but I sure ain't the first

Be quiet, you might piss somebody off

(Self-righteousness is wearing thin)
Lies inside your head your best friend
(I'll bleed but not for fellow man)
Broken glass, your fake reflection

Telling them its all for something real
Don't forsake the words you speak
You've gone too far, acclaim

no i dont feel what i felt before

i know you're trying to "prepare" me, and i appreciate it,
however, i'll never be prepared.
How can someone be ready for that sort of thing?
i know i'm not nearly strong enough to handle it, as much as people think i am.
I'm in denial, but I know it will happen, I just havn't allowed myself to believe it.
How can something like that happen?
Not yet, not now.
I dont want to think about all the things that will happen.
I know I probably should but I cant do it.
I've never prayed so much in my life but it seems useless.
As much as i look forward to seeing you everyday, I also don't.
I hate seeing you like that, and I hate when you're in a bad mood, which lately, is all the time.
And anyway, right about now would be a great time for a miracle...

Somewhere along in the bitterness

Between the lines of fear and blame

you said you wanted to go somewhere hot
florida or cuba
but in order to do so you need to get better.
there it is again, false hope

hold your breath and count to four

Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair
-what goes around. Justine Timberlake

i hear the hate in all your words

it amazes me what fate can do.
how cruel a bitch she really is.
im not ignorant so i do realize that death does occur but when you know its going to happen, especialy to someone you couldnt imagine living without, reality sets you back in your place.
when there what seems like inches away from it, all you can do is hope
but it seems like its a waste of breath and energy.
not to say ill stop, but its doing the complete opposite effect.
thanks

give me a reason to wake up and face the light

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay

i think i wanna get the word strength tattooed
or hope, maybe both

picture to burn

i really really really fucking hate this english essay

right up to the end

i got casted:):)
in something which hasnt even been determined
oh well i got casted:):)

i put my heart to the limit, and this is where i stay

interview today..
i dont think it went so well
but i really need this job
or A job.
fuck.. well ill find out soon enough..

I would rather see your face in Hell than speak another word of this perfect world

i really dont believe in the saying that money doesnt buy happiness.
yes there are people who have a lot of money and are not as happy as those who have hardly any,
but speaking from expereince, i know money could have saved my family a lot of stress, had it been available.
it just depends on how your raised and how you treat it.
money really is a privilage,
and society would be no where without it.

I saw the disappointment from across your face

is it a good thing to try and do whatever possable to avoid thinking about something?
or worrying.
is it worht it?
not everything is avoidable and what you can stay away from will eventualy come back and bite you in the ass later

i need a little more luck than a little bit

everything is getting harder.
i can hope all i want but knowing the reality isnt helping.
knowing that what im hoping for has small odds of coming true, doesnt make me feel any better or more secure with the eventualy outcome.
im really scared and ive never been so scared in my life.
im angry, and frustrated and im tired all the time.
its weird how i feel. its hard to explain in words.

i have no reason to appologize

The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Every day we face the same truth that life is fleeting that our time here is short and to honor the fallen we must live our own lives well.

-One Tree Hill

its hard to speak without a tongue

After everything you’ve done.
After your second face failed.
This time theres nothing left to save.
And your words were broken

Keep walking.
Keep breathing.
Keep cursing our names.
We’re plotting your end by the dawn.
We’re apparitions that stalk your every turn.

And until I see the moonlight shine with your blood we’ll dig your grave.

no line on the horizon

There's a part of me in chaos that's quiet

And there's a part of you that wants me to riot
Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet-tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
Change of heart comes slow..
It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Divination that will listen to your boys and girls
Is the sweetest melody the one we haven't heard?
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear
But change of heart comes slow...

another song for the weekend

I fell asleep with the lights on

I can see your the first one in a long time.
That had some faith in me
(have faith in me)
I tell my friends, it wont be long
Before it's time for me to come back home
It feels like I'm ready for anything
If you can wait for me.

turn your back on me for the last time

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two
We'll bring the noise

Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me

(Too bad I can't turn back time)
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you're just like everyone else

if looks could kill

its amazing how your view on a book or movie, for example, can change so quickly after one action.
if you watch a show 5 months prior to that incident than go back to it, your perception of it can completly be changed.

i dont wanna be anything other than what ive been trying to be lately

i finaly get my hair cut on friday and i cant wait.
its too dead..
i look like im growing dreads..:/
itl be insanely short on but whatever
itl be so worth it

its hard to speak without a tongue

i think its fucking bullshit thats hes not being paid as much.
this isnt his fault.
he didnt ask for this.
hes not taking time off work by choice.
knowing him, if he could hed still be going to work.
it is not justified.
its amazing how much of a dick people can be.
id love to see him in that situation.

memories and dying days

 all i wanna do is curl into a ball, crawl under my sheets and just sleep for days.
i cant wait to go to sleep tonight

ex's and oh's

I was reading about a little kid whose mom told him the key to life was happiness. When he was in school the teacher asked them to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. He said happy. They said he didn't understand the assignment. He said they didn't understand life. My generation GMH

One of my neighbors has been recently diagnosed with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia, a type of cancer. He is 7 years old. His classmates held a hair cutting party for him so he wouldn't have to go through losing his hair alone. Bald 7-year-olds GMH.

Today was character day at my school. I saw an asian kid dressed as a box of crayola crayons. On the back he wrote "Made in China ;)". He totally made my day. MLIA


Last night, my winning word in Scrabble was "sexy." My points? 69. Thank you, irony. MLIA.


Today, my mom got a call from the nursing home that my grandma lives at, telling us that my 90 year old grandma just punched some old lady in the face because she tryed to steal her fake flowers. I have never been some proud to call her my grandma.MLIA

why dont we end this lie? i cant pretend

the past weekend i spent almost 3 hours in my room, on my bed, listening to my ipod and writing lyrics in a notebook.
i had a book of paper and nothing to write on those blank pages.
so i wrote lyrics.
some related to how i was feeling at the moment and others are just ones i like.
im determined to have 10 pages of lyrics by the end of october.

my heart beat stumbles

its amazing how music is like medicine.
endless amounts of people use it for comfort.
its infinitely versatile. and regardless of who you are and what your preference is, there is always something for you to listen to.
not all good music is mainstream.
due to this i doubt it will ever go out of style.
music will never be forgotten or left in the shadows of time or become a simple memory.

forever is over

i would really appreciate it if you could make up your mind.
i understand your going through shit but who isnt?
i just dont want to waste my time wondering.

i hear the hate in all your words

imagination is insane.
it can take us places that we never even knew existed.
and they don't. there only real in our minds.
something will only become real if its moved from our minds into life. an object, or something on paper.
a thought expressed.
i really think imagination is the best thing ever.
it allows us to escape from the horrors of reality.
it allows us to create something that can better society.
it allows us to expand our minds.

i know i could be better, all stars could be brighter

originality and acceptance.
Can we ever have both?
we try so hard to be original and unique but truth is, were all the same.
everyone wants to fit into society, that is to be accepted by those around us.
we dont want to be seen as freaks.
yes there are those exceptions who dont give a shit and im all for them, i could never do that.
originality is something we forever try to grasp but will never attain.

for those who've read frye, can u tell its effecting me..?

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay

ignoracne is bliss
but is it really?
i mean honestly, yeah in some situations people would be happier if they didnt know the truth
but its also said that the truth will set you free.
i guess its personal preference, but personaly i believe in both.
-truth: i know im going to die one day
-ignorance: i dont know when
and i like it that way

ignorance is your new best friend

it all comes down to that day
november 16th
i guess its all up to the gods of hope now, and science...
please
i cant afford to loose you

baby what you gonna

"John Steinbeck once wrote “It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live for our death brings no pleasure on the world."

- One Tree Hill

take me away

so 22 days later...
i havent been that busy so i dont really have any excuse for not blogging but simply that i havent wanted to.
theres a lot new shit going on and it seems like everythings in a downward spiral.
all i can say is that i hope everything gets better..

Dancing across your face, and when the blackness veils your eyes in pain

Octavio Paz once wrote: Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

- one tree hill

Love kills, romance is dead And I don't even trust myself

Douglas Adams once wrote, he felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered who's it was, and whether they were enjoying it.

-one tree hill

writing on the walls

i think ill be going to the chapel more often this year.
i hope it works.

this habit is always so hard to break

you would think that at times like these i would want to write more.
to vent or just get it off my shoulders,
but honestly i dont want to.
i dont have the want or need to anymore.
or at least not enough, or nearly as much as what it use to be.
things that use to seem more important just dont.
and for whatever reason i just dont fel the need to tell people.
as much as id like to, i just dont want to.
maybe its too much attention or having them worry about me when they all have there own shit going on.
i dont know.
but i guess its now more than ever that ill have to force myself to be stronger becasue as of right now im not nearly as strong as i should be

This place is so empty My thoughts are so tempting I don’t know how it got so bad

im scared and nervous.
ive never been so scared in my life.
and i cant tell myself that it will be okay because i dont know that.
ive never had such a variety of emotions at once.
i dont know who to talk to, or even if i want to talk to anyone.
waking up seems harder lately.
i just cant even comprehend that the worst outcome is actualy a possability.
your too young.
i never thought that it was this bad. but im glad i know the truth.
i dont wanna loose you.
you dont deserve this.
i just hope they figure everything out soon and it can be treated.
i know your hurting and your scared aswell and i dont know how you keep control.
you have to be one of the strongest people i have ever met and i admire you so much for that.
thank you for being there for me no matter what. and ill always be there for you.
i love you


"where theres hope theres strength,
where theres strenght theres recovery"
- Bernard Richardson

second chance

lately, i havnt been that hungry
and im not exactly sure why.
and ive started to realise that things i should be doing are a lot easier said than done.
some certain feelings/emotions are being a bitch and wont go away.
there realing testing my limits

30 seconds to mars

i know im probably worrying for nothing but i cant help but.
without knowing exactly whats going on with you and whats going to happen how can i not?
i just hope everythings okay.
it probably will be, im just worrying for nothing

Rest In Peace

im going to miss you a lot.
i really wish that i could give you a proper goodbye.
that i could at least be there with everyone.
im not sure what to say but ill keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
you were a really special person to me and you didnt deserve to go like that.
youll be missed and i hope you knew that you were loved by many.
you were such a sweet woman, and im glad that im at least left with good and happy memories.
at least your in a better place now, watching over us.
again,
ill miss you,
and i love you.

im gona put your limits to the test

where do i go from here?

Speaking of weather, the other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear. The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."

-Mary Poppins

candycanes and kisses

you fucking bitch.
you felt like you didnt feel included?
this isnt a fucking a game its peoples lives.
you cant restart, you cant do over.
honestly i cant believe youd stoop that low.
thanks for starting so much shit, and congrajulations, good job. im pissed.
do you not think of anyone elses feelings before your own?
do you not already have enough guys to go out with, you have to add the one i like to the list?
was it that necessary to start so much shit?
are you that fucking bored with your life?
all your fucking lies, this is partly your fault that this summer crew bullshit is fucking up.

freaks

today,
a character on one of my favourite shows,
a time,
an msn name.

i hate when people say theyll do something and dont fall through with it.
i hate the feeling of being ditched or not worthy,
and its been happening too often lately.

an event on the weekend made me think that im not worth anything to any of you. especialy considering how it related more to me than another person who said it doesnt matter.
how would you feel if everyone knows whats going on and youre the only person being lied to? the ONE person in the entire room who cant know, and as it turn out, i already knew to being with.

in one of my recent posts i hoped for something that, turns out, didnt come true.
its amazing what well do to give ourselves a sense of hope, even though we know its fake.

disappearing hearts

saturday night actualy scared me.
i never want that to happen again please.
i dont want to be pushed that far again by my own emotions.

if i had my way

i swear this weekend i have never been on my cell so much. sorry to one person in particulare. you know who you are(L)

i fell in love with my sins

saturday he went out.
he wouldnt tell me where or with who which was understandable, privacy . whatever, but it got me thinking.
he didnt get home until past 11 30.
he came home with a golf club.. wtf.
so many questions ran through my mind
i ran up to my room to try and see who it was that dropped him off and go figure it was the person i didnt want it to be. his ex girfriend.
i know hes friends with her which is fine, but he was out with her ALL day,and why wouldnt he want me to know he was with her?
whats with all the damn secrecy?
i just really dont want him to be cheating, im supposed to look up to him.
i might be over exaggerating but its pretty fucking suspiscious on his part.

danny california

so i finaly got my fucking sin and can officialy start looking for jobs now:):)
damn right bitches

californication

fucking epic night.
i've never had so much fun with people who are practically strangers.
thank you for not making it awkward and allowing me to feel like i've known you all for longer than 4 hours.
oh my god cant wait for tomorow.
i've been to wondlernad before and its been fun and good but this time itl be amazing and so jokes.
im glad this week turned out to be better than i thought it'd be.

White sparrows fell from heaven and carried her away

annes cottage this weekend was so much fun.
i needed that break away from the city.
soo many good times.
wasaga was a lot of fun;)
i wanna go back.
deffinitly a great way to spend the weekend.

The cold wind blows right through my bones

i absolutley hate it when my mom closes the window in my room.
i know it sounds stupid and unfair and probably is but it annoys me so fucking much.
for some reason the second window has a lock on it so you can only open it about an inch before the lock blocks it from opening further. its just such a mission to have to unlock it.
and my room gets way to stuffy and hot when the windows the closed.
i mean its my room anyways,if the noise or something from wind bothers her she can just close the door, which i always keep closed anyways.

she says i need to take a pill

i can not wait until saturday.
im so stoked to get away, and with two of my besties:)
maybe a new scenery, especialy up north will help, for the time being anyways.

mental repression

oh my god i need to sleep.
im dead and my head is pounding.
not to mention sore throat, fun times.

voices

it really seems like you dont care, i know you do but you have a bad way of showing it

how did it come to this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTI!!!
omg your 17
<3 you could have your g2 by now missy!!
but i should deffinitly not be talking:)
anyways
i lvoe you,
cant belive we've stayed friends for so long.
so much for this bullshit about losing friends once you get to high school:)
you make my life kiddo.
hope u have a good one and ill bee seeing you soon!;)

the dead cant testify

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.
-one tree hill

and the birds dont sing, no they dont make a sound when youre six feet under ground

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?
- the pursuit of happyness

Scream till there's silence

i saw someone today i haven't seen in over a year.
i wasn't even sure if it was him.
i wish we could have actually talked and not some drive by thing.
oh well, it was good to see you, even though it was only for a few seconds.
you definitely made grade 10 drama more entertaining: )

Oh, I can show if you want to know exactly how to say her name To make her scream and shout, but not from pain

Caught up in this madness too blind to see
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I'll taste your blood tonight

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Relax while you're closing your eyes to me
So warm as I'm setting you free
With your arms by your side there's no struggling
Pleasure's all mine this time

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

We've all had a time where we've lost control
We've all had our time to grow
I'm hoping I'm wrong but I know I'm right
I'll hunt again one night

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

Some live repressing their instinctive feelings
Protest the way we're built don't point the blame on me

Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would
if I ravaged your body
Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would if I ravaged
your mind

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing
-Avenged Sevenfold. Scream

With your arms by your side there's no struggling Pleasure's all mine this time

I've been thinking lots about my life and
How quick I'd wash it down the drain
Past tense the future, nothing matters now
I act on my own and I'm to blame
Live in a wicked dream, with angst turned out all wrong
Were all so weak, no matter how strong, yeah

I tried running away from me
Convince me that I've grown, but I can't
She's so unnaturally, Demons they follow me
I quit running away from me
Convinced that I have grown, but found out
All my reasons for obscenity, all a part of me

I don't like that you're calling me a liar
I don't like that you found out I'm a snake
Been sneaking around for far too long now
I don't like how fast my intentions fade
Karma has beat me down, but the worst is yet to come
Many mistakes and still I'm so young, yeah

I tried running away from me
Convince me that I've grown, but I can't
She's so unnaturally, Demons they follow me
I quit running away from me
Convinced that I have grown, but found out
All my reasons for obscenity, all a part of me

I can't
Count how many times
Awakened in fear, nightly
I'm sweating
Dreams
Where promises are made
To no one but myself
Help him
Crushed daily

Don't lend me your hand
I can't trust my self
So how can you trust me

We've all made selfish, bad decisions
We've all tried dishing out the blame
Convinced our selves of our own actions
My problem is I'll never change
In doubt, some good comes out
I'll fold before its time
Can't promise you that its my last time, yeah

I tried running away from me
Convince me that I've grown, but I can't
She's so unnaturally, Demons they follow me
I quit running away from me
Convinced that I have grown, but found out
All my reasons for obscenity, all a part of me

Truth won't help you now
All the loves gone too far(x2)

I'm scarred, yeah
Demons they follow me, 'cause my insanity(x4)
- Avenged Sevenfold.Demons

after party in the hotel lobby, then we off to the room like vroom

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing

because when i look in her eyes, i just see the sky

i think once i get a job I'm gonna save up and travel for a year or so after high school.
I've never even been outside of the continent and i think traveling and seeing different cultures will provide me with more independence and experience. it'll help me grow up.
also i just love seeing and learning about how people live and how different it is from what i know and what I'm use to.
some of the places i wanna go are Ireland, France, Spain, Greece, Austria, Sweden, Egypt, Africa, Italy, Portugal, Serbia.
yeah.. i should've started saving in like grade 9

blame it on tom

so because of my dad I've been really thinking about the future.
universities, careers and what not and honestly I've changed my mind about what i wanna do so many times; as I'm sure everyones done.
so yeah, i think I'm gonna go into something that involves working with children.
my grades are no where near good enough for archeology and I'm not even sure if trying will help, cuz everythings confusing...

hate me

i worry way too much
its ridiculous.

lets make a memory

so I've found some smaller alternatives to do
i just hope they work

diary of jane

omg i wanna see harry potter so badly.
call me a loser but i don't give a shit
i love harry potter:)

four word to choke upon

i was looking for desktop backgrounds last night and i came across these ones. none of them are my background but i really like them.

ashes of the wake

as much of a bitch it was waking up at 730 this morning, I'm glad i did.
but you know wats really lame?
the "gym" in my complex has an age requirement. you can only use it if your 18+.
when i actually care ill use it, see what happens.

descending

i had THE weirdest dream last night
as scary as it was i didn't want it to end, but then i got a txt and i woke up:(

this is who we are

between the future and the past tense
lies the present in the distance
so you think we're never coming back
Scoring points for passion and persistence

between the lines and the highway
lies a dead you in the safety
you never thought this was gonna last
i always knew you'd never take it back
i always knew (i always knew)

i know it seems like we're never coming back
i know it feels like we're never coming
you tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last
these were the words that she placed on her casket

between the sadness and the smile
lies the flicker of the fire
you always said this never hurt you
i always said you were a liar
with the all the towers and the wires
there still lies a little silence
two hearts and one connection
one voice lets emotion out
i always knew (i always knew)

i know it seems like we're never coming back
i know it feels like we're never coming
you tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last
these were the words that she placed on her casket

instead of flowers like words they never mattered
close it up forget about the sadness (close it up forget about the sadness)
he always said she should of stop crying
but he knew at least she was lying down

i'm coming back (i'm coming back)

i know it seems like we're never coming back
i know it feels like we're never coming
you tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last
these were the words that she placed on her casket

Hawthorne Heights

jersey just got colder

so today me and my mom were walking home from mdv town center and a guy passed us wearing a youtube t-shirt.
my mom then turned to me and asked:

"so what's youtube?"

pray for plagues

ever since i was little there's been four things I've always wondered.

1)space; whats beyond what we know?

2) death; for all we know reincarnation could be true. past lives could be possible but we just don't remember them.i just cant comprehend that we become part of the earth when were dead, if you get buried. and heaven?
when i was little i thought it was just on the clouds, and it was our body's still and we just chilled there forever. but now that I'm not so naive, i know that that's probably not the case.

3) words; i know how speech came to be but why? how did sounds turn into words? who made up each individual word to mean its own specific thing? because if you think about it, letters are just noises. words are just multiple noises put together to form something. and why are there so many languages? not saying there shouldn't be but how did so many come to be? its great because it provides countries with more individuality but how did they arise?

4)aliens?; if you think about it,its really ignorant of us to believe that we are the only humans in the whole of space. we haven't even seen all of it so how could we make that judgment? for all we know there's other beings out there saying the same things, that there the only living things.
they could easily be hundreds or thousands of light years away. a distance were not even close to getting to. we don't know how big space is, so we shouldn't just assume things. this also kinda goes with 1. some think if they existed that they'd already have found us because we just assume that there smarter than us. but maybe were smarter than them?

anythings possible. just saying

in a city with a sinner

trust.
if you cant trust someone its really hard to have a relationship with them, whether its friendship or dating.
trust isn't just knowing that they'll keep your secrets but that if you were hanging off a building that that person wouldn't let go.
trust is like a skyscraper, it takes a while to build up.
an earthquake is the betrayal, one or more actions that brings it all crumbling down.

"fool me once,
shame on you.
fool me twice,
shame on me."

because sometimes you cant forgive.

i follow your lies to avoid from getting lost

i need to sleep so bad
3 hours of sleep is not working for me
last night was so much fun. im so glad i went.
at the same time there were A LOT of moments when i felt like such a fucking fifth wheel, i hate it.
i would probably change some things if i could go back and do it again but oh well.
im glad i found that one person to talk to though, iuno what i would have done otherwise.

dont push me, ive got nothing to loose

Most of our lives are a series of images, they pass us by like towns on a highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

-one tree hill

dont turn your back on me

as much as im looking forward to tomorrow i also don't want it to come.
the reasons being its only one day closer to Thursday, and its probably my last visit

guns for show knives for a pro

i haven't felt this low in a while

the poison

The moments died, I hear no screaming
The visions left inside me are slowly fading
Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone f***ing hanging on
Can anybody help me makes things better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, the guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, the guilty to come home

This battered room I've seen before
The broken bones they heal no more, no more
With my last breath I'm choking
Will this ever end I'm hoping
My world is over one more time

-bullet for my valentine. tears don't fall

torn apart at the seams

1) this one person i know doesn't really consider anyone else in certain situations.
over reaction and inconsiderate. and I'm the one who looks like the bitch.

2) I'm in a mood to bake/cook

3) another person...i hate that you're becoming annoying.i think your really immature.

fallenleaves

so on Saturday and tonight, i got kinda bored so i drew on my cell with nail polish.
also proves how much i really don't care about it, even though i freak when i cant find it.

what would it take for things to be quiet

The Silence In Black And White

Love

define the great line

i really hope you don't change for the worse.
i get it must be really hard for you, i cant even imagine.
but don't let it get to you.
and do what you feel is right.
good luck, try and have fun, ill miss you,
see you soon (hopefully)

life love & lies

i love you but how did you not notice...
you probably did, but where just to lazy to do it your fucking self, or in the hopes i would.
well fuck it, I'm not here to clean up your mess.

bone palace ballet

consistency vs. inconsistency

while some things should be consistent, others not so much.
personally, In a certain situation like the one right now, id choose inconsistency

id rather be dead then with this bitch

Pick up your pants girl! We're not drunk enough to get it on. I need viagra! Cause you're too ugly to turn me on. I saw your picture. My Myspace has never done me wrong. Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl

I'ma need a little bit more drinks then that. To hook up with a girl that looks like that. Like OMG this bitch is fat! She'll totally squash my skinny ass(haha). So lift me up. Lift me over the bar girl, fill me up. I'ma need a couple more drinks, and some drugs. To make me want to wake up next to this.... What?

She gots me hypnotized! I can tell by the way she licks her lips. That we're going to fuck tonight! OMG I can not live like this. Will someone take my life! Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist. I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this bitch!!!

Pick up your pants girl! We're not drunk enough to get it on. I need viagra! Cause you're too ugly to turn me on. I saw your picture. My Myspace has never done me wrong. Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl

Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump. I'm jumping out that window girl! Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump. I'm jumping till I can't get up! Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump. I'm jumping out that window girl! Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump. I'm jumping to my death

She gots me hypnotized! I can tell by the way she licks her lips. That we're going to fuck tonight! OMG I can not live like this. Will someone take my life! Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist. I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this bitch

Pick up your pants girl! We're not drunk enough to get it on. I need viagra! Cause you're too ugly to turn me on. I saw your picture. My Myspace has never done me wrong. Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl

Put some new pictures up. And quit denying your size. It's because of you that emo kids decide to die(x2)...

She gots me hypnotized! I can tell by the way she licks her lips. That we're going to fuck tonight! OMG I can not live like this. Will someone take my life! Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist. I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this stupid bitch

Pick up your pants girl! We're not drunk enough to get it on. I need viagra! Cause you're too ugly to turn me on. I saw your picture. My Myspace has never done me wrong. Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl
-Brokencyde.blame it on tom

just take another pill

so my mom adopted a cat and were getting him/her on sunday.
hope my mom doesn't put this one up for adoption this time

you already know what you are

i love inflames.
their music is so fucking good

steps of silence

the next 2 days are probably going to be very sleep deprived and tiring

hybrid theory

I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?

anthems of rebellion

under the knife

one of the worst things in the world has to be false hope

revolutions per minute

fractions

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

-hes just not that into you

voices of violence

i watched mythbusters on Sunday and they were going sky diving and throughout the entire show all i could think of was fuck, i wanna do that

Grabbing what I need. Grip until it bleeds

is it normal to get random days where someone checks out your house to tell you how much its worth?

because in all the years I've lived in my house i don't ever remember someone coming to check out the house.

and is it just coincidence that just last week i think my dad was having some money problems?

i really over think things to much.

This is it I’m falling My wings need to grow I lose my hold I will let go

Jim dates Sarah. hes known Sarah for years and they dated for a long time. Jims daughter Anna thought for sure that they would get married. but then they broke up.
Sarah had become a huge part of Annas life and it was difficult to just forget about her.
Afew months after Jim starts dating Emily. Emilys great and her and Jim deffinitly have a lot more in common then jim and Sarah did.

ita been a few months and Anna finds out that Jim still talks to Sarah, which is fine of course but that he doesnt want Sarah or Emily to find out about eachother.

if a secret has to be kept, for who knows how long, than doesnt that mean that Jim doesnt completly have faith that Emily will be okay with it? or doesnt trust her to except it? and isnt it a little dellusional of Sarah to not expect him to eventualy get a new girfriend? or has she been mislead. told that hes still single. what if Jims lied bout his new relationship?

Standing on the edge Battle in my head I’m dying to know

I've been bothered about a certain situation for a while now (due to some friends constant opinions and observations) and I've doubted it, thought about it, considered it, and in the end i just don't.
i feel like a horrible person.
i cant let this go on any more though.
your thoughts that is.
i don't know how to deal with it.
I'm scarred of the outcome.
what you might do or say.
I'm not sure what to tell you.
the last time I've dealt with a situation like this (if you can consider it dealing with) the outcome sucked.
ill take it day by day i guess, moment by moment. if the opportunity arises ill just come out with it, as nice and considerate to you as possible. but fuck, i don't want you to get hurt, and i guess it is partly my fault but not intentionally in any way.
better sooner than later.
i hope it ends well.

oh its what you do to me

okay so Thursday was fun, but in the end almost not worth it.
a night that was meant for one person to get to know someone else turned into a drunk fest, well 3 out of 5 at least.
not gona lie, at first i was like kay, so much effort just to get some alcohol? honestly?
not like you need to drink or get drunk to have a good time.
but it was fun, some good times and in the end the main reason the night was planned succeeded.
however towards the end of the night..early morning? my main mode of transportation was crawling.
apparently there were a lot of bitch fights, and one person went home crying.
the next morning when we all had our heads cleared, we could at least laugh bout it.
but basically, not having any beer for a while now.

our death seems endless with a million and one regrets

so im kinda obsessed with wheres waldo and shrek, on my cell.
wheres waldo is the hardest fucking game ever, but its rather addicting

disaster's only a scream away

All walled up
I can taste the winter
I would shut up if I thought that it mattered
That's what it feels like
When you're stitched into the skin
I feel stuck
And no one thinks
Something's missing?

No one cares
No one listens
Screaming words that you fake hearing
No one cares
No one listens anymore

My eyes burn
As I bury how I'm feeling
Close my eyes
It's my life that I've been stealing
If it's all right why do I feel a sense of longing?
I had it all and yet I thought that something's missing
Something's missing

No one cares
No one listens
Screaming words that you fake hearing
No one cares
No one listens anymore

So paranoid
I've been hiding from the sun
I'm tired of being afraid
of everything and everyone
Oh so tired...

- no one cares. Atreyu

bring me the horizon

so a list of must dos for the summer:

-pay someone back
-read those 3 books
-get my sin card
-at least start on the boot camp thing with Christina and work on endurance and arms
-chill with those i haven't in forever
-work on me...

lead sails paper anchor

i have 3 books i want to finish during the summer.
problem is i tend to take 1001 years to finish just one book.
one of them I've had to start over 3 times (this time being the third) because I've left it for so long I've practically forgotten what has previously happened.
i start reading,
i put it down,
and i just seem to forget about it.

a deathgrip on yesterday

Stephen king:
definitely a weird person,
but an amazing writer.

so here's some quotes by Mr. K,

I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged.

lol!

Each life makes its own imitation of immortality.

Fiction is the truth inside the lie.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.

We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

Regret is an inception, regret is a beginning Miles and miles of wires build the apparatus

in so many heavy metal, screamo, hardcore-like bands
there lyrics actually mean something.
considering how half of it you cant even understand when you listen to a song the first time,
i guess a lot of people just think they make pointless noise. and whatever it is that there saying isn't even worth finding out or listening to.
but i find much more "intellect" in lyrics by some heavy metal bands then a lot of main stream groups or artists.

With faith, some minds are sand; But i prefer concrete

You put a bullet in my head
Turned black thoughts to red
This could all end in tragedy

I dream of you dead laid you dead to rest
I wont look back in for memory

But don't rush us out like I sold you
Are you a killer and I think I know its you
I was deep in that night I know its taking this
So hurry up to figure you out to insult'
Your glass kept from falling down
One time from your good times
I'm not interested in working this out


And that's what you are
I said blasterd fucking mess
Fuck off to be without you
Die in use to burn just bury
Any part because the walk on my hand
Not even not even kick you when your down
Though you wanted something because you
Are living the lonely star
But this is the part where I say goodbye!
(and let the scent of time)
Pull over us say goodbye!
And let the scent of time pull over us

You never had to crawl
You never had to say what it feels like
To be so trapped underneath
The weight of someone's world comes crashing down on me
I was longing to be free iv left a burden in you and me

This is my farwell to you and i

This will all end in tragedy

-Untitled Finale. Atreyu

This is what is going to separate us from them.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. God, I love this game.
-One Tree Hill

dont hate me because i disagree

my mom gave away zoey.
yeah she was annoying
yeah she was a pain in the ass
but i miss her
i miss her greeting me when i came back to my moms, or when i woke up, with constant meows

my mom said she put her up for adoption, even though a few weeks ago she said that shed have to be put down
i hope my mom didn't lie to me about zoey being adopted

ive come to the realization though that if you can run away from it you will.
you find some way out; like cheating. a quick escape.
you don't like just dealing with situations
you'd prefer someone to do it for you.

shadows of the past keep stabing my back

wow, when people (like everyone practically) go to summer school
i am going to be bored out of my mind

im under the gun; you're like the only one

when I'm looking at friends blogs, i always save yours for last

them vs. you vs. me

just trying to find my way back home

dead and gone

there was a ruin like this in a "scary" movie with a forgotten name
about vein like plant things that killed you.

scissors

the past 2 days have been pretty busy
I've spent about 2 and a half hours, awake, at my moms.
monday i woke up early to see exam marks, didn't see chem or bio but history was good,
then chilled at Christians with Daniela and Brittney.
home for like half an hour then back out to meet up with Daniela to see the proposal.
was a great movie actually:)
the mission to streetsville to meet up with people. completely pointless.
we were there for an hour and the entire hour practically was trying to figure out how to get home.

so the people we were with didn't want us taking a taxi or bus. no one had a car and apparently people had issues with picking up their phones that night. i ended up getting a ride from dads gf, but its like 11 45 and we felt guilty that shed have to drive me and danilea home. so 3 destinations(her house, my house, danis house) which arent even romotley close to eachother. however i wasnt allowed to sleepover at danis so she snuck me in.

• go through the backyard, incase her parents were downstairs
  
• wait for daniela to open the door
• sit underneith the kitchen table incase her parents came down
• went to the basment to watch tv without disturbing them, sat behind a door also incase her parents came down
• co-ordinate our steps so they were nsync, mission up her house, which has way to many stair cases, to her room
  
• pass her parents room, with double open doors
  
• slept in her closet incase her parents came in in the morning to say bye

and we got away with it, kay thanks:)
so teusday, southcommon to attempt to volunteer, back to her house, christina came over, went to streetsville. then to 16 mile creek for a few. then random places..

it feels weird being home, its only been like two days but it feels like 5.

all the right reasons

dedicated to miss .w: )

I, I'm driving black on black
Just got my license back
I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track
I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride
Because the angel on my right ain't hanging out with me tonight
I'm driving past your house while you were sneaking out
I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run
Your mom don't know that you were missing
She'd be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I've been kissing
Screamin'

[CHORUS]
No, we're never gonna quit
Ain't nothing wrong with it
Just acting like we're animals
No, no matter where we go
'Cause everybody knows
We're just a couple of animals

So come on baby, get in
Get in, just get in
Check out the trouble we're in

You're beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
'Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch
I'm screamin'

[CHORUS]

So come on baby, get in
Get in, just get in
Look at the trouble we're in

We were parked out by the tracks
We're sitting in the back
And we just started getting busy
When she whispered "what was that?"
The wind, I think 'cause no one else knows where we are
And that was when she started screamin'
"That's my dad outside the car!"
Oh please, the keys, they're not in the ignition
Must have wound up on the floor while
we were switching our positions
I guess they knew that she was missing
As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing
Screamin'

[CHORUS]

So come on baby, get in
We're just a couple of animals
Get in, just get in
Ain't nothing wrong with it
Check out the trouble we're in
Get in, just get in

-Animals, Nickelback

this war is ours

huge downfall in the end

you ripped the tape from my healing heatbreak

Daniels party on Saturday was jokes and drama filled
my designated driver got pretty hyped up (i thought she was drunk but thankfully she wasn't) and had to sit down for like an hour and half to chill, shes so fucking stupid but i ,love her anyways.
someone egged her car too, like what..? random..
a lot of random people showed up, the place was so crowded and hot.
and to another person, your such a whore, but at least you had fun:)
to someone else, i think you're kind of over reacting...

another song for the weekend

watched the mmvas tonight with my dad:)
not bad, love billy talent
nicklebacks performance was pretty good and lady gags performance was very.. lady gaga:)
aaron carter was there.. wtf, oh well
and holy shit, kim kardashian does have a huge ass

i fell asleep with the lights on

south park on friday??
holy shit
one of the funniest episodes ever
they made fun of the Jonas brothers, Disney and their purity rings
fucking hilarious!
mickey mouse?
evil little funny bastard<3

when you hear this song and you sing along

last exam was today!
holy fuck
chem was the hardest thing ever
but yeah, so it feels like I've done 8 exams and not 3
i haven't quite realized that schools over, no more exams, until like January obvs
like holy shit
its summer now, omfg

i cant wait to sleep
:)

your love is like a poison

okay

I'm gona study

just because its my last exam, doesn't mean i should give up and hope for the best with what i remember.

Then I swear to you that we can make this last

just one more exam then I'm done
and its chem, i need to pass desperately.
I've been staring at my review for like 2 hours and I've done 2 questions
i just cant seem to bring myself to pick up my pen, grab a calculator and work
it seems as the weeks progressed I've cared and studied less and less

and my arms really annoying me. i cant wait to not write anymore.
at first the reactions from my bruise were funny, now its just annoying, because its from the same people.
get over it, its on my body, not yours and its not even your first time seeing it.

everything you say to me brings me one step closer to the edge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzxlqQnC1oE

lol

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time

how the fuck am i supposed to study like this

Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldnt have?

Let the rain fall down, let it fall to the ground,
Let the rain fall down to the ground.
And the birds don't sing, no they don't make a sound,
When you're six feet underground.

Well they cast me out when the word spread around
That I never sang in the church.
And it took one night for the town to decide
I'm afflicted by the curse.

And the rain falls down, let it fall to the ground.
And the birds don't sing, no they don't make a sound.
So I look to the sky, tell me why, tell me why,
Do they all get to live, and I have to die?

So they marched me down to the center of town,
With their pitchforks high in the air.
I was chained and bound with a blindfold around
So the judge wouldn't catch my stare.
And they hung my soul from the gallows pole
But the witch they never found.
So to those who don't fit society's mold,
Learn to swim or you will drown.

And the rain falls down, let it fall to the ground.
And the birds don't sing, no they don't make a sound.
So I look to the sky, tell me why, tell me why,
Do they all get to live, and I have to die?

And the angels sing: let it shine, let it shine,
Dry the teardrops from my eyes.
And the bells will ring when the blind lead the blind,
'Cause the dead can't testify.
And because I can't take an eye for an eye,
In the afterlife I'll haunt you 'till you die!

And the rain falls down, let it fall to the ground
(Let teardrops hit the ground!)
And the birds don't sing, no they don't make a sound
(When you're six feet underground!)
So I look to the sky, tell me why, tell me why,
Do they all get to live, and I have to die?

And the angels sing: let it shine, let it shine,
Dry the teardrops from my eyes.
And the bells will ring when the blind lead the blind,
'Cause the dead can't testify.
And because I can't take an eye for an eye,
In the afterlife I'll haunt you 'till you die!

And the angels sing: let it shine, let it shine,
Dry the teardrops from my eyes.
And the bells will ring when the blind lead the blind,
'Cause the dead can't testify.
And because I can't take an eye for an eye,
In the afterlife I'll haunt you 'till you die!

- Billy Talent, the dead cant testify

And the birds don't sing, no they don't make a sound, When you're six feet underground.

dont call me a liar
dont put words in my mouth
dont act like a hypocrite

i guess im paranoid

exams are slowly killing me
especially biology
im so scared for this exam
all i have to do is pass, but it seems like such a mission
i want to stop studying so badly, but i don't know nearly enough i think.
im scared of forgetting everything and freezing up, there's just so much information, way to much

the requiem for broken hearts

and some others
are what i listen to when i run.
hip hop-dance-like music, just doesn't work.
:)

Don't patronize I realize I'm losing and this is my life

my mom took my ipod charger hostage
i had to mission all over my house to try and find it
i found one,after like 30 minutes, but i don't know where the fuck she put the other one

I'm half asleep and i am wide-awake this habit is always so hard to break

penguins won!!!
fucking right:)

so the weekend.. alright i guess, went out few hours Saturday to chill but ive been studying practicly the whole weekend.
bio is going to kill me, i have 26 full pages front and back of study notes, based off the review
and grant doesn't give half marks either
this whole week i know im probably going to be a bitch to everyone
but at least i only have 3 exams, thank god, i cant wait for Thursday

saturday night was horrible but i guess it was for the best..right? i guess ill see tomorrow

history, i think i'm okay for, just random things i have to review

and chem i dont even know, but a leats he gives part marks

This isn't what i wanted but i can't keep my filthy fucking mouth shut

so my arm,
its a lot better, still cant extend it and bend it fully but w/e
however, i got this monstrous bruise above my elbow,on the arm that's hurt of course, its called a compression bruise or something, but yeah.. randomly decided to show up Saturday morning

Hey Miss Murder, can I Make beauty stay if I take my life?

promises are just a waste of words and breath if there not kept
im sorry if i hurt you
im sorry if i said something inappropriate
but we all acted immature
so don't act like it was all me
ive wanted to talk about it so much but i cant
understand that some things are just kept as secrets
we all have them
some bigger than others and in this case, not even close
yeah, i could have handled the situation better but its in the past,
whats done is done
you just have to understand and be patient
i know i probably shouldn't talk, which ill change
but it doesn't involve you,
when the time is right i might say something but don't ask for more detail because some things are better left unsaid

sorry if this is harsh

if your bothered by this, or how i acted, just tell me

so ill sit in my room and ill cry in my bed

obviously my best isn't good enough
i should probably just give up, cuz im beginning to not give a shit

I fuckin swear that I care, but it's hard when you stare into the bottom of a bottle that is empty and bare

i hate this

and while im at it , throw a hand grenade

muscle pain and emotional pain are both the same
there not visible, but there still there

and they fucking kill

and if you dont believe me, watch and i will make it happen

so i did something to my elbow
i think i landed on it pretty hard in outdoor ed cuz it fucking kills
definitely not broken but i don't know if its just bruised or i tore something

there's a lingering pain and any movement practically kills
such a nuisance
and it had to be my right arm right?
right before exams, better get well by then

the only evidence they have is the police sketch of my mask

In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground

I hitched a ride, until the coast
To leave behind, all of my ghosts
Searching for something, I couldn't find at home

Can't get no job, can you spare a dime?
Just one more hit, and I'll be fine
I swear to God, this'll be my one last time!

In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground
Run away before you drown, or the streets will beat you down
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground

When it gets dark, in Pigeon Park
Voice in my head, will soon be fed
By the vultures, that circle round the dead!

In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground
Run away before you drown, or the streets will beat you down
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground

I never once thought, I'd ever be caught!
Staring at sidewalks, hiding my track marks!
I left my best friends, or did they just leave me?

In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground
Run away before you drown, or the streets will beat you down
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground

Run away before you drown!

Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves... on the ground

-fallen leaves, billy talent

one of my all time favorite bands, hands down
i never get bored of their songs

i searched for something i couldnt find at home

so i have to pay for my g1
not that big of a deal i guess but i have no job, no consistent source of allowance, and when i get it its only ever between 5 and 20.
so how the fuck am i supposed to save up 125 or so, and if i fail the test, its a waste.

i need a job, but for whatever reason i don't have my social insurance number,
apparently you get one when your born, well i dont have one. simple as that. i hate when people point this fact out to me, ask me why i dont have one. fuck should i know? you ask it like its my fault... tell me how its my fault exactly.
anyway its being worked on, but apprnetly somethigns wrong with my birth certificate, wtf..
meanwhile my dads been bugging me bout getting a job..

im just sick of procrastination. being told something and not having it being pulled through. if i ever did that, id be in so much shit. if i could do it myself, i would

and school..? so im 1% away from a pass in bio, which i thought would be so much lower and im passing chem, thankfully, but im scared for the exam.
so much fucking work

i've got nothing left to prove so i'll live with my regret

ill miss that class
its taught me a lot, not necessarily in a good way however.
maybe that's my downfall.
believing something, especially when compared to others, you start to think about it more and more, which makes you worse, which makes you think more...

we hurt eachother with the things we wanna say

You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.
-one tree hill

Because it´s only when you´re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it´s only when you´re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has.
-one tree hill

theres no comfort in the truth

hope and love seem to be a waste