I may be a sinner, but it wasn't me this time

you know when you think of one thing and that one thing gets you thinking of another, and so on..?

so that just happend to me.
my toes were cold, then i wonderd why they were called toes, then i thought that thats a pretty weird word..

then i tried to figure out how to spell toes..

Broken teeth replace blackout memories

Am I being too cryptic?
Am I being too obscure?
Love kills, romance is dead
And I don't even trust myself
But I love you
And you can pull my wings apart
And pin me down under glass
Until the end of days if it can help you
Discover that we share the same pain
I just hope you write your thesis
Before your subject is dead
No life after death

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line

lately im just not talkative at all.

i dont feel the need to talk, not as much as i use to want to.

it doesnt mean ill sit their in silence, but its getting ahrd to formulate words and ideas to talk aout, interesting ones anyways.

ill listen and respond, but i just really dont want to have to force myself to say words.

i dont have many comments worth saying.

id rather just sit their,

it doesnt mean i dont care because i do,

but my motivation is gone, or may as well be.

im sorry to anyone i bother with this, or bore.

im trying but its like taking a step forward and then 5 steps back.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around

hearing your side makes me x10 more sad

i didnt know it was that bad

and i feel so bad for you

im glade i did what i could

im glade i never made you think that i was gona ditch

im glade we talked tonight and i hope i helped and made it known to you what i wanted to.

seriously,

your so amazing

i dont even think you read my blog but if by any chance you do, and you see this,

(this is for both of you),

know that i love you and it will get better.

youre both so great.

im not choosing sides(which is starting to get a bit difficult)because the word "friend" would be a pretty bad title.

try and let it go for now until it has to be brought up again.

all you can do right now is wait and let fate intervene,

just keep in mind sometmes you have to step in every once and a while.

<3

When it rains it pours,Like summer storms, the skies as grey as leaves.

"dear colleeeeeeen, i dont really know how to tell you this, your nostrils are insulting. I think i realized it when your dwarf bit me at the mental hospital and you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that i may pee my pants. I'm returning the cut toenails to you, but i'll keep your glass eye as a memory. you should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and i will haunt you when im reincarnated as an eskimo. best of luck on the sex change, monika" :D

although we have no obligation to stay alive

i was randomly thinking about this today,
why do people hate someones girlfriend just because there dating the guy you like?
i mean, yeah it sucks, obviously,
but hate? really?
she never did anything to you, just got luckier.
unless you have some legit reason as to why you hate her then maybe don't go around saying you hate her,
because it just makes you look like a jealous ex girlfriend, looking for attention.
if you cant answer the question "why?"
with something other than, just because, because shes ugly, because shes dating him or whatever other idiotic reason then no, you don't hate her so don't say you do.
hates a strong word and we've begun to over use it.
just like the phrase i love you.

Bless the young and rich,With designer drugs and designer friends

fuck you.
i hate when you tell me you're going to do something, then you don't.
then you turn around and bitch at me for doing something i didn't.
and your excuses suck ass.
get some new ones, better ones
I'm sick f your bullshit, you've known about this for 3 weeks,
and to be honest, as soon as you said you were going to be late, i knew your weren't going to follow through.
this fucked up my night, killed extra time i had with him, all thanks to you.

Ignore me if you see me cause I just don't give a shit

A line fromNick and Norah's Infinite Playlist:

"the world is broken into pieces and everyone has to find them and put them back together."
"Maybe we don't have to find it. Maybe we are the pieces. "

kinda true..

supermassive black hole

good day today,
I'm looking forward to the weekend for a number of reasons, one of which is only based around hope,but at the same time I'm dreading it all because i have shit loads of homework.
did all the teachers get together and decide to assign projects and assignments at the same time?
Sunday will suck.

i promise you right now, ill never let you down

i just realized this,
like 2 minutes ago,
that some of the people i care so much for i haven't even taken the time to ask them how they are.
i know if something really bad was going on, theyd tell me, but i still feel bad.
it makes me think that wow, i really do concentrate on my own "issues" to much.
this has to change.
ill start tomorow
also, despite all this shit, im so fucking stoked for the next 2 months.

goodbye, you suck, never really liked you

me:"say spoon 10 times fast"
monika&patti: spoon spoon spoon..................
me:"spell spoon 5 times fast"
monika&patti:"s-p-ou-ou- n"

oh my..

saw THE hottest guy today, like fucking, so damn cute,
with the most gorgeous eyes ever.
i now love meadowvale.

Die alive

For every word we never spoke,
We have a tear to cry
For every silence like a wall between a better you and I

The blood relationship, creates such a rotten demise.

a big part of me wishes i never asked.
i need a distraction, but i dont think anything will take my mind off of this.

And if ya want me, well, I guess I want you,Oh pretty baby how could you

for a few days

maybe even weeks,

Ive been fine.

well not completely,

but better.

and now,

what Ive come to fear,

deal with,

live with,

has come back.

like a sickness that wont stop.

i know it sounds like I'm over reacting, and maybe i am,

but i don't care.

these are my thoughts and ill let them wander,

even though i probably shouldn't.

i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up.

standing in the rain

so today I've had some pretty good talks and in a way they have helped me

but i still cant get over it.

so it rained today,

and for a moment it felt so good just to walk in it.

and do you know that smell that the air gets when it rains?

like the air has been ridden of all its pollutants.

yeah..

And the hardest part is knowing That I'll never follow through

i just love this picture

bullet for my valentine

immature
over powering
attention begging
and you still wonder why..?

let it all burn, i will burn first

you're one of the reasons that i kept going.

and it sucks to you see you go through this.

i still don't completely understand it.

and to be honest,

everyone should suck it up

and act like mature beings for a brief moment,

at least long enough to come to realization that its done what it can

and nothing more will come from it.

then everyone's free to

go back to all the screaming and air humping possible.

i keep on screaming but theres really nothing left to say

fucking bio will be the death of me

baby if you get down on me, ill get down on you

i actualy look forward to those few moments of face-to-face conversation during the day.
i doubt you feel the same way.
this rope is being tightened even harder and i cant seem to find an end without a knot.

by the way,
boy bands in the 90's have really bad lyrics.

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet, Billy Shakespere wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

some quotes from one of my favourite books

Pain is inevitable:
suffering is optional
-Greta Randolph

It's innocence when it charms us. ignorance when it doesn't.
- Mignon McLaughlin

And if the blind lead the blind.
both shall fall into the ditch.
- Matthew 15:14

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first.
the lesson afterward.
-Vernon Law

At first cock-crow the ghost must go back to their quiet graves below.
-Theodosia Garrison

boom boom boom boom, i want you in my room

i wish i knew what you were thinking, exactly.
completly bitter sweet situation.

Never take friendship personal

so march break over all has been pretty good
some shit
and then some pretty good times

i can always count on you to give me some form of inspiration,
but i don't know if that's necessarily a good thing.

Brokencyde

Sunday night
sucks ass
had it been a week earlier id be pumped
but right now, not looking forward to waking up too damn early

only good thing is that i don't have any homework, remarkable, i know.
i guess all that stress was worth it.
i feel bad for all of you who do have homework, and who left it all to Sunday night,
kicking yourself for not doing it that one night you had free time.
cant say i wouldn't have done that though.
procrastination..
without it,we'd all be pretty uptight,
work oriented,
boring,
and basically no fun at all.

Let the bodies hit the floor

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
These scars are being carved deeper and deeper the more i hear you.
where the fuck are my headphones, i need to shut you out, i need to escape.

carol of the bells

finding out about how your relationship has been a bust since december only makes me wonder why i stoped seeing you come around until after january.
i guess you were trying, but in the end it was pointless wasnt it?

and now theres someone else, already, wow.

finding out about her, and meeting her all in one day reminds me of last easter.

so i wonder how long this one will last.

shes nice i guess.
as long as she makes you happy thats all that matters right?
i can almost see a new tradition forming..
but not quite yet, its to early to tell.
besides, she has more in common with you than Jeanne did, so it wont be the same.

Every night turns to day

its time to accept it,
something really sad is going to happen soon.
but i hope I'm wrong.
get better, because i love you too much to see you go.

August Burns Red

And you’re on to the next one.

The Holly Springs Disaster

either this has been going on all along and I've just been insanely delusional
or something happened that triggered your brain to start up with this.
either way, it really scares me.
and I'm the one that needs help?
no matter what you say,
I've never done that, to that extent.

this reminds me of spring

which is today, first day:)

but i kinda miss winter...

come clarity

its funny how fast people can change
all it takes is the influence of others and the will to do it

soundtrack to your escape

We like so much, the pain
We're spoiling at the knife
Pretend that the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet the friendly soul
I scream to why I'm lonely
The echo calls my life

If I ever
If I never
Make me want to stand up for whatever
Make me say
Make me pay
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in

When it comes down to victory within me
I know that we're in for days
No time to play
Why do you think I called upon you to take me on
Whittle me down to pieces
Put me back, do it right this time
Fight with me until the selfish help
Burn my house until I end up with nothing

If I ever
If I never
Make me want to stand up for whatever
Make me say
Make me pay
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in

These thougths burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts will keep me feeling

If I ever
If I never
Make me want to stand up for whatever
Make me say
Make me pay
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in

Black eyes, broken fingers,

so why cant you just tell me whats going on?
i dont like you acting so obvsiously upset, only to tell me nothings wrong, and i dont need to know anything, when continuely i ask.
you say i dont give a shit about you.
well if i dont, then why would i bother wasting my breath asking you?
Also, dont fucking give me that bullshit that youre fine, because youre clearly not.
i just wont bother asking you anymore, because you obviously only want me to know somethings up, but not the reason behind it.
thats fucked.

Time out, let's stop and think this through

for some reason i cant think of appropriate words, depending on the conversation.
i cant tell stories for shit.
i go completly blank and sound like a dumbass..
anyway to help with this?

behind closed doors

what the fuck is going on with you
youre really scaring me

so kiss me goodbye

I wanted nothing but for that trust again
And brick by brick you would take it
You feared of phantoms and none exist but you
You still saw fit to destroy it

And still you feel like the loneliness
Is better replaced by this
I don't believe it this wayAnd
I can see the fear in your eyes
I've seen it materialize
Growing stronger each day

I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

okay so last night..
interesting.
this morning..
hell, never felt worse.
i think i deserve some award, seriously.
I've completely drained my whole body of all liquids and I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated.
oh well, fun times:)
kinda worth it.
and seriously, thank you so much
if i was alone, id probably be dead.
i owe you two so much
thank you:)
and sorry about everything you put up with

from first to last

do you just not believe in me?
im not good enough for anything, is that it?
im not smart enough to get into university basically, according to you.
thanks
its great to know you believe in me.
*note sarcasim

You resurrected mistakes years past it seemed And they exist to still haunt you

what the fuck!!
i haven't talked to you in over two years.
it didn't exactly end well and i wouldn't be surprised if u hated me.
apparently not tho because were talking right now like nothing ever happened.
not going to lie, I'm kinda worried.
i don't want something else starting up.
and your making it rather obvious you dont feel the same way.
fuck i just cant believe were talking.
this is weird..
you really haven't changed much,
I'm not sure what to think of this..
its happening way to fast to even think through properly.
i guess ill see what happens.
why isnt anyone on, who knows about all of this?!
im bursting with words and thoughts i need to tell one of you!

And still you feel like the loneliness Is better replaced by this

sadness is like journeying into a cave, alone.

we all do it.

but it just depends how far you go and if you find your way out.

that's a feeling i know all to well.

i wont allow myself to be swallowed up by the shadows forever.

i just need to find my way out.

but not being able to see your own hand in front of our face makes this prospect rather difficult.

stumbling, falling and cutting yourself along the way.

bruises, cuts, scares, broken bones even.

something to reflect each bad memory.

what i need is someone to help guide me out,

i cant do this on my own.

And you neglected I called you out don't please

ill never forget what you said
no matter how many good memories we have
no matter what is said to replace it
what you said that day pierced my heart like nothing ever has before
and you of all people, to me, especially.
"if you're going to leave, you might as well stay gone, this isn't a two way door"
thanks.
now i know that you really can be a heartless asshole.
i just hope were past that point, forever.

Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight

so i found out the truth and im not sure if i can handle it.

maybe ignorance really is bliss.

deep inside i knew i was never going to see you again but that little peice of hope never went away.

maybe i would be better off not knowing the truth, but its to late now because i just had to ask.

curiosity is a weird thing.

it can destroy you or help you,

theres no in between.

in this case.. im not sure.

i mean of course there is that little bit of a chance, but fate isnt in any of our favours.

it feels like i've lost a best friend.

one which, no matter what, ill never be able to get back because no matter how much i want you back, it just wont happen.

its not my heart that matters here, its both of yours.

i just miss you,

guiding me and telling me the truth.

i could relate to you so well and i miss your energy and uniqueness.

no one can compare to you and ill miss you forever.

youll always be in my memories.

i wish you the best of life and dont over stress.

i love you.

good luck.

Like a well gone dry from all the years gone by

Hope: You remember how you said Mozart was a musical pod?
Reverend James: Prodigy.
Hope: Yeah, well, I've got one of those and he's living under my bed!

August Rush: [in voiceover] But I believe in music... The way that some people believe in fairy tales

Wizard: You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars

Louis Connelly: [listening to the music on the roof with Lyla] Can you hear that?
Lyla Novacek: What is that?
Louis Connelly: It's a wish
Lyla Novacek: Now what does that sound like?
Louis Connelly: [singing] well it's a marvelous night for a moondance, with the stars up above in your eyes, a fantabulous night to make romance, 'neath the cover of October skies...
Louis Connelly: When I was a Young fello, I used to talk to the moon
Lyla Novacek: Are you making that up?
Louis Connelly: God I haven't done it in a long time
Lyla Novacek: Did it ever talk back?
Louis Connelly: Well it used to, now I just find myself sitting up here talking to meself, like a loon Lyla Novacek: well I'm here
Louis Connelly: yes...
Lyla Novacek: [watching Louis stare at her] what are you looking at?
Louis Connelly: you

I don’t want to waste my life Hating every god damn day away

If you are a dreamer, come in

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,

A Hope-er, a Pray-er, a Magic Bean buyer,

If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire

Fore we have some flax-golden tales to spin

Come in!

Come in!

-Shel Silverstein(Inkheart)

I've made mistakes, that I can’t erase

so ever since first semester one of my best friends,christine, has been talking about the book inkheart (which is in theaters..soonish) and how its like amazing.
so today i bought it:)
not gona lie, im kinda excited to read it,
and i have time to.
im so excited for sunday night, being able to stay up late, which i normaly do but at least ill get more than 5-6 hours of sleep.
im pretty much just looking forward to sleeping
and reading,
yeah, nerd, i know:)

p.s
st. patricks on teusday!!

i can live without you but without you ill be miserable at best

Act VI

ive written letters,
ive had those thoughts,
ive done some things,
and im not ashamed of any of it.
every single one of those things have helped me in their own twisted ways.
i cam accross one of my letters a few days ago
it was shit done quickly, half assed.
but it still made me sad,
thinking of what would happen if i ever used it.

the requiem for broken hearts

today was.. interesting?
im happy but at the same time disappointed
even though i probably shouldnt be
so i cant make up my mind or my emotion
lovely
i wish i could somehow find a way to stop thinking
even if for only a few minutes

off topic but,
i miss you.
i wish you could just get better
i hate hearing about how people are talking about you.
its udnerstandable but still doesnt make it any much easier
youre trying but how much good will it really do?
youve missed out on so much and im pretty sure that youve completly fucked up youre life
i love you and i want to see you get better but i cant see that happenning
youll never be better, not completly
goodluck

like a whisper in the dusk

im pretty nervous
scared actualy.
this time its so much more serious.
the area, the person, the over all atmosphere.
im not looking forward to it in anyway, except one.
in fact, as much as ive been wanting to get it over with, i dont want it to come.
but time cant stop so why even bother wishing for it to
i wish i had some sort of distraction.
tomorow is going to be the longest day ever.

will you rememeber this night 20 years now lost

Trigger

Have we lost the spark or a guide?
What's the latest on the screen?
Can't be too late to turn around
I need all the help from you

I need to find
Something to blame for a long lost time

I am running from something that I don't know
I am searching for something, which way to go?
I am trying to separate what's real
I'm running in a wheel

Is it dark or is it bright?
What's the latest on the screen?
Please tell me my name
I haven't checked it today

From green to red our days pass by
Waiting for a sign to tell us why
Are we dancing all alone?

Collect some stars to shine for you
And start today 'cause there's only a few
A sign of times my friend

My friend avoid infinity
Are you for real?

Just scratch the surface
And you will find
Something to blame for a long lost time

feel me up against the wall

by the way,

69th post

:)

you cross your heart, i hope to ide

so this weeks been pretty much shit
three tests, two projects
today i was supposed to go snowboarding but my alarm didnt go off
for whatever reason
but i think maybe it has something to do with fate
for one, of all days for my alarm not to go off it was today
then my mom, who usualy wakes up before 6:30, stayed home today so had she gotten up when she normaly does, i could have still made it in time to catch the bus,
i turned me cell off before i went to sleep, which i normaly dont
so when my friend txtd me and called it i obviously didnt get it.
just saying..

Hold your breath and count to four, Pinky swears don't work no more

im so proud of you.
everything that you've had to go through
and you're still holding strong.
we had some really hard times and ill never forget them,
there carved into my memory like sketches into rock.
but i have a feeling things will get better
with what you told me on the weekend, it feels like a weights been lifted off my shoulder
one less thing to worry about.
i am really,
truely,
extremly,
proud of you.
i love you.

hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away

youre both talking again
i guess i should be happy
right?
but its weird..
after 2 years.. probably more
suddenly talkikng..?
what the fuck is wrong with me?
any other person would be happy about this
why am i not?
i dont get it
just all i ask is please please please dont become like best friends because thats just weird
and please please dont get back together
i dont think i could handle that

L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce

so you have to be the laziest, childish, whiny person i have ever known
i know you mean well in the things you say and do
i know you love me and would do anything for me
but honestly
i cant wait to move out
you will probably throw a fit and beg me to stay,
i know how that sounds but i can see the whole thing playing out in my head
because you want me to stay living with you forever
im not overreacting
its true
even you would admit it
im sick of your lies and how you act
youre more like a child than an actual child
i hate the way you act around him
i hate how you try and be all "cute"..
like a 7 year old does when they want something
you say youll do something then tell me youll do it later, in a few days
things that NEED to be done, that i cant do
i hate how much of a hypocrite you can be
i hate how you blame me for youre mistakes
i hate how you need to be cared for
suck it up
move on
act your age
dont let him tell you how to raise your own child
and dont let him change you
because seriously, youve changed
or I've just realized this was you all along
and in that case,
the reason i am the way i am makes a lot more sense

There's a hole in the world,Like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it

sweeny todd-Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvgXZeqplbM&playnext_from=PL&feature=PlayList&p=3AA5503647F7355B&index=7
this song is stuck in my head

violent kiss

coincedence vs. fate
maybe some things are just meant to be while others simply happen for no reason
but how do you tell which from which?...

we signed 3, 4, 5 on the dotted lines

can not wait for april 5th!
like omfg..: )
today was the highlight of my week,

so far

tomorow better be amazing

im not looking forward to it though becasue my legs look beaten.. good enough reason?

i didnt do chem homework and i know im going to regret it

snowboard trip on wed:)

otherwise next week is going to be shit

Meet me out past the train tracks I'm leavin' and not coming back

so all i can really say is

thank you

i really needed today

to get away from everything

for some reason you,

more than a lot of others,

are comforting to be around.

yet at the same time..

..intimidating?

i worry about what to say

because i dont want to sound stupid..

when 80% of the time i do

i cant seem to put the words im thinking into sentences

so ill leave it at this

you're such a retard

and for whatever reason

ily:)

standing on the edge and im loosing my balance

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure

discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...

you're what keeps me believing this world has not gone dead

this feeling seems oddly familiar

I've almost forgotten what it's really felt like, at its peak
i don't like it
i thought i was getting better
I've been better
felt better
then there was the spark that light the fire
set it all off again
is it just going to be like this for the rest of my life?
that's not an option I'd willingly choose
I'm trying so hard to make it go away but it wont
what the fuck
and no one understands
they pretend to but I can tell they don't
its like I'm alone in a room full of people i know
but separated by glass walls
i see them, they see me
we talk but words are muffled
to the point where their hardly audible

A day to remember

omg

i want a wombat

LMFAOOOO!!!!

this wasted time on you

For a while I've been debating whether or not i should stop talking to you

not forever, just temporarily

maybe it will help

but then again..

what if you dont want to start talking to me again?

what if it gets awkward?

what if it doesnt work

and i wasted all that time

not talking to you for nothing...

i dont even think i'd have enough courage to do that

you're to...you

and you'd prob claw your way back regardless<3

Never judge a book by its cover...right?

is it just me,

is that not really sick?

it kind of scares me to be honest..

Put up or Shut up

Should I write myself out of the history books,
and mark a place in time for every chance you took,
Don't get me wrong
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint,
Some day
I'm sure
I'll get the picture,
and stop waiting up

a mesage to the unknown

im sick and tired of all this
drama
bullshit
lies
bitching
i do it to but im fed up
i want to just run away
to somewhere calm, where no one else is that could possibly say that one thing that makes me cross that line from pissed off to totaly insane
only for a little bit though
until everything is back to normal
until i can calm down
because i swear to god im going to explode
if i hear one more" i hate.." and "i dont care.." someone dies
this has been going on for WAY to long
i hardly believe anything you say now
i take it in but im filled with doubts
and i dont know what i should say around you anymore
i dont want to loose your friendship but fuck
this effects more than a few people
grow up
this is so stupid
get over yourself and let it go
i know ill probably never say that to you, in that way, anyways
whatever...
so ill try and take myself out of this
for as long as i can
as much as i can
i have serious doubts however, of this working
somehow, someone will claw there way back and block me from my escape
well fuck you

hello alone

reminds me of a dream i had a few days ago..
it was weird:s