Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
automatic
so lucky me, my moms gona give away my cat.. fluffy, whom ive had since i was 6..7.
I absolutley adore this cat, i love ehr so much and i hope to god someone takes her, otherwise shell be put down.
i know it not the.. most interesting thing, to blog bout a pet, but it sucks..
yup.
only good thing bout today is the freedom of the next few days.
No homework.
No stress..
No school
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
I absolutley adore this cat, i love ehr so much and i hope to god someone takes her, otherwise shell be put down.
i know it not the.. most interesting thing, to blog bout a pet, but it sucks..
yup.
only good thing bout today is the freedom of the next few days.
No homework.
No stress..
No school
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
four words to choke upon
I know that
It's killing me
And it’s poisoning the best in me
What I see I don’t want to believe
So let me tell you more
About the lies I lead
This is how I’ve chosen to douse the flames
Broken teeth replace blackout memories
Wreckage from the past haunts me,
shakes me to the bone
I know its over but I can’t go home tonight
It's killing me
And it’s poisoning the best in me
What I see I don’t want to believe
So let me tell you more
About the lies I lead
This is how I’ve chosen to douse the flames
Broken teeth replace blackout memories
Wreckage from the past haunts me,
shakes me to the bone
I know its over but I can’t go home tonight
What if you covered the face of the sun?
I just want to forget and let go
Of all the joy, all of the pain
I took your guilt and placed it into me
And now I kiss it goodbye
Our last dance ended fatall
I just wish I could replace all the memories
Of what makes my blood run cold
Of all the joy, all of the pain
I took your guilt and placed it into me
And now I kiss it goodbye
Our last dance ended fatall
I just wish I could replace all the memories
Of what makes my blood run cold
I'll paint this red
The following is not meant to sound hypocticle, so dont take it as such.
I heard a thing for womans cancer on the radio yesterday.
To gain awarness and stuff.
Which is great, honestly, cancers a horrible disease and the more awarness the better, but why just womans cancer?
Or just children cancer?
Why not mens or teenage?
I rarely hear arwarness adds for them.
Im not saying this just because of my dad but also because, even before he got sick, i still felt it was kindve unfair to the men and teenagers, who dont get as much attention, if you want to call it that.
The same to people who raise awarness for one specific cancer- ignore my picture -->..
Like breast cancer.
NOTHING against it, i think its amazingly great how much awarness breast cancer gets, and im still all for it, but what about other cancers?
Theres so many more than i ever thought.
I think the amount of cancer awarness should be equal, for every signle cancer.
Yeah thats a lot, but i just dont think its fair that one type gets 70-80% awarness and another gets 30-20%
I heard a thing for womans cancer on the radio yesterday.
To gain awarness and stuff.
Which is great, honestly, cancers a horrible disease and the more awarness the better, but why just womans cancer?
Or just children cancer?
Why not mens or teenage?
I rarely hear arwarness adds for them.
Im not saying this just because of my dad but also because, even before he got sick, i still felt it was kindve unfair to the men and teenagers, who dont get as much attention, if you want to call it that.
The same to people who raise awarness for one specific cancer- ignore my picture -->..
Like breast cancer.
NOTHING against it, i think its amazingly great how much awarness breast cancer gets, and im still all for it, but what about other cancers?
Theres so many more than i ever thought.
I think the amount of cancer awarness should be equal, for every signle cancer.
Yeah thats a lot, but i just dont think its fair that one type gets 70-80% awarness and another gets 30-20%
because there's beauty in the breakdown
61 days
Not a single day has passed where i havnt though of you.
I miss you so much.
Its terrifying knowing you'll never be around.
I fucking hate it.
I hate God for taking you away.
I hate the disease for taking you.
I hate that i feel so fucking lonley.
I cant figure out how you deserved that, how i deserve this, how my family deserves this.
I try so hard to figure everything out and it seems like im not getting any clsoer to the answer.
The only man in the entire world i have ever trusted, actualy no.. more like the only person. Yeah i trust my mother, but i know shed tell her boyfriend or ehr work friends at least something.
The one who knew me in and out, sometimes it seemed more than i knew myself.
My mom thinks she knows me, sometimes she does, but not always.
My friends dont know, not everything.
But you did, and i have no idea how.
I hate how jelous I am.
Of people who still have families, their paretns are still together, no ones died.
I had to go through my parents divorce "alone", because none of my friends knew what it was like; just like they dont know what its like to loose a parent.
You can try all you want to imagine and you may even get close but trust me, its still unimagineable.
Loss is loss and i do know people whove lost someone very very very close to them, and in a way it's the same, but the bond is different. The loss isnt harder, or easier, but different.
Im scared about loosing my mom.
Im jelous of people who get to move on with their lives.
Trust me, it does not take a week to grieve, not a month, 6 months, but years; years and years.
I might never stop grieving, it just might get easier.
Everyone is different.
I may look fine, but im a mess on the inside.
I say im fine, im okay, no im really not.
Its not just stress.
Stress is a joke.
Stress takes up about 10-15% of what im thinking about.
Its not fair.
Not a single day has passed where i havnt though of you.
I miss you so much.
Its terrifying knowing you'll never be around.
I fucking hate it.
I hate God for taking you away.
I hate the disease for taking you.
I hate that i feel so fucking lonley.
I cant figure out how you deserved that, how i deserve this, how my family deserves this.
I try so hard to figure everything out and it seems like im not getting any clsoer to the answer.
The only man in the entire world i have ever trusted, actualy no.. more like the only person. Yeah i trust my mother, but i know shed tell her boyfriend or ehr work friends at least something.
The one who knew me in and out, sometimes it seemed more than i knew myself.
My mom thinks she knows me, sometimes she does, but not always.
My friends dont know, not everything.
But you did, and i have no idea how.
I hate how jelous I am.
Of people who still have families, their paretns are still together, no ones died.
I had to go through my parents divorce "alone", because none of my friends knew what it was like; just like they dont know what its like to loose a parent.
You can try all you want to imagine and you may even get close but trust me, its still unimagineable.
Loss is loss and i do know people whove lost someone very very very close to them, and in a way it's the same, but the bond is different. The loss isnt harder, or easier, but different.
Im scared about loosing my mom.
Im jelous of people who get to move on with their lives.
Trust me, it does not take a week to grieve, not a month, 6 months, but years; years and years.
I might never stop grieving, it just might get easier.
Everyone is different.
I may look fine, but im a mess on the inside.
I say im fine, im okay, no im really not.
Its not just stress.
Stress is a joke.
Stress takes up about 10-15% of what im thinking about.
Its not fair.
Take this for what it's worth
I realised while i was waiting to present my monologues in drama today.. yesterday, that i actualy really dont care as much about school as i use to. I still do my work, becasue i think of how my dad would feel if he was here, same with studying.
I looked around and i saw people on the verge of shitting themselves and I felt more of a want to get it over with, not because i was scared out of my mind but because i didnt want to have to put up with it anymore, one less thing to "worry" about.
Before and afterwards, all i heard was "omg im so scared".. all said differently.
I agreed, but inside the fear I had didnt even amount to theirs.
In a way thats good, but at the same time, the not carring part, isnt.
I looked around and i saw people on the verge of shitting themselves and I felt more of a want to get it over with, not because i was scared out of my mind but because i didnt want to have to put up with it anymore, one less thing to "worry" about.
Before and afterwards, all i heard was "omg im so scared".. all said differently.
I agreed, but inside the fear I had didnt even amount to theirs.
In a way thats good, but at the same time, the not carring part, isnt.
you're writing your tragedy
I heard my dads voice on sunday.
It was the first time i heard it since the night he passed.
No, im not crazy.
No, im not hearing things.
I went to a family friends for dinner, my dad had left them a message on their machine, a few days before he died, thanking them for my gift, and telling them to come by and visit on sunday- he had just moved to the hospice- and they had saved it.
I could hear how tired he was, how much pain he was in, how weak he was, but also how happy he was to be in a place that was as close as it would get to the sense of home, and it was pretty damn close.
It was the first time i heard it since the night he passed.
No, im not crazy.
No, im not hearing things.
I went to a family friends for dinner, my dad had left them a message on their machine, a few days before he died, thanking them for my gift, and telling them to come by and visit on sunday- he had just moved to the hospice- and they had saved it.
I could hear how tired he was, how much pain he was in, how weak he was, but also how happy he was to be in a place that was as close as it would get to the sense of home, and it was pretty damn close.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
a static lullaby
Like an Idiot
I took one too.
Things went from
weird to wrose.
I mean, there I was,
snorting crank
with my dad,
my boyfriend,
and his other
girlfriend.
Something majorly
wrong with that picture.
- Crank
I took one too.
Things went from
weird to wrose.
I mean, there I was,
snorting crank
with my dad,
my boyfriend,
and his other
girlfriend.
Something majorly
wrong with that picture.
- Crank
Monday, January 25, 2010
all you did was save my life
i absolutely can not wait until exams are over.
Im so tempted to just take a week off of school and sleep.
Not because im really tired but because when youre asleep, the world is different, and unreal, and most often, easier and funnier (with the exception of nightmares).
Im so tempted to just take a week off of school and sleep.
Not because im really tired but because when youre asleep, the world is different, and unreal, and most often, easier and funnier (with the exception of nightmares).
Sunday, January 24, 2010
tonight, im blinded
Something that really bugs me is when people say that they arent racist, but than they make comments like "that fucking brown person".
Really? If you werent racist (even just slightly) than why did you add the color of their skin to that sentence?
Was it that necessary..?
Or you suddenly dislike all people of that race just because you had a somewhat bad relationship with someone of that race.
Thats like when girls say they hate guys, and that their better off without them and that they'll go off and become a lesbian.
..No.. even if you were to become a lesbian, we would still need them.
Ever heard of humanity?
Yeah that would die if there were no men in the world.
It's stupid and immature.
Don't say that youre one thing and than go around and say something that completly goes against what you just said.
Its hypocritical and makes you a lair.
Just own up to what you are and don't lie about it.
Really? If you werent racist (even just slightly) than why did you add the color of their skin to that sentence?
Was it that necessary..?
Or you suddenly dislike all people of that race just because you had a somewhat bad relationship with someone of that race.
Thats like when girls say they hate guys, and that their better off without them and that they'll go off and become a lesbian.
..No.. even if you were to become a lesbian, we would still need them.
Ever heard of humanity?
Yeah that would die if there were no men in the world.
It's stupid and immature.
Don't say that youre one thing and than go around and say something that completly goes against what you just said.
Its hypocritical and makes you a lair.
Just own up to what you are and don't lie about it.
So don't push me, I've got nothing to lose
Today my mom was showing me some things she had set aside, incase i was looking for them.
She brought me to the cabnit, so i could put my gamecube and ps2 there, with the dvd's.
She proceeded to say, "theres your dad"... "I prefer him to be in the corner".. or something along the lines of her basically prefering him to be in the corner.
She was referring to his ashes, of course, and the back corner of the cabnit where they currently are.
The fact that my dad is literaly in 2 boxes, in a corner in a cabnit is so fucked up; and that notion hadnt even occured to me until my mom said those words.
It's also disgusting that there tucked away like that. Might as well be in storage.
I mean, if they were on display or not, id still feel weird, so it doesnt really matter, but still.
Its more respectfull to not keep them in a fucking corner of a cabnit.
Its so fucked up.
All of this, everything.
She brought me to the cabnit, so i could put my gamecube and ps2 there, with the dvd's.
She proceeded to say, "theres your dad"... "I prefer him to be in the corner".. or something along the lines of her basically prefering him to be in the corner.
She was referring to his ashes, of course, and the back corner of the cabnit where they currently are.
The fact that my dad is literaly in 2 boxes, in a corner in a cabnit is so fucked up; and that notion hadnt even occured to me until my mom said those words.
It's also disgusting that there tucked away like that. Might as well be in storage.
I mean, if they were on display or not, id still feel weird, so it doesnt really matter, but still.
Its more respectfull to not keep them in a fucking corner of a cabnit.
Its so fucked up.
All of this, everything.
Don't blink, They won't even miss you at all
"Every few years we disappear, Zoey. All our cells are replaced by others. Not a single bit of me is the same as when I was last in this room. I was someone else when i wrote my name in there, someone healthy."
-Before I Die
-Before I Die
Meet me out past the train tracks I'm leavin' and not coming back
"I'm me and you're you, and all of them out there are them. And we're all so different and equally important."
- Before I Die
- Before I Die
Friday, January 22, 2010
Into the darkness of this shallow place
So guess what i get to keep in my cabnit?
My dads ashes. Oh how lovely...
That is until such time as we get rid of them.
Theres two cases, one containing a smaller portion of ashes and the other, the rest.
The smaller one, ill be taking with me to Ireland, which wont be until probably spring/ summer, MAYBE.
The larger one, i have no fucking clue what will happen.
I want to get them burried, with a headstone and all.
That probably wont be also until the spring/ summer.
Fuck my life.
My dads ashes. Oh how lovely...
That is until such time as we get rid of them.
Theres two cases, one containing a smaller portion of ashes and the other, the rest.
The smaller one, ill be taking with me to Ireland, which wont be until probably spring/ summer, MAYBE.
The larger one, i have no fucking clue what will happen.
I want to get them burried, with a headstone and all.
That probably wont be also until the spring/ summer.
Fuck my life.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
im thinking of the worst things i could say to you
I dont know how the fuck im gona study for exams.
My minds just not in the right place.
My minds just not in the right place.
bury me, 5000 fathams deep
I walk your land but don't belong, two million soldiers can't be wrong.
It's no fun but I've been here before
Far from home and I'm fighting your war.
(Not the way I pictured this, I wanted better things)
Some are scared others killing for fun, I shot a mother in front of her son.
(Take this from my consciousness, and please erase my dreams)
Fight for honor, fight for your life.
Pray to god that our side is right.
Even though we won, I still may loose
Until' I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears,
grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories wont let you cry
unless I don't return tonight.
So many soldiers on the other side, I take their lives so they can't take mine.
(Scared to make it out alive now murder's all I know.)
Nobody tells me all the reasons we're here. I have my weapons so there's nothing to fear.
(Another day, another life, but nothing real to show for)
Watching the death toll rise wondering how I'm alive.
Strangers blood on my hands, I've shot all I can
There are no silent nights, watching your brothers all die
To destroy all their plans with no care for me
No thought of me, no thought of me
It's no fun but I've been here before
Far from home and I'm fighting your war.
(Not the way I pictured this, I wanted better things)
Some are scared others killing for fun, I shot a mother in front of her son.
(Take this from my consciousness, and please erase my dreams)
Fight for honor, fight for your life.
Pray to god that our side is right.
Even though we won, I still may loose
Until' I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears,
grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories wont let you cry
unless I don't return tonight.
So many soldiers on the other side, I take their lives so they can't take mine.
(Scared to make it out alive now murder's all I know.)
Nobody tells me all the reasons we're here. I have my weapons so there's nothing to fear.
(Another day, another life, but nothing real to show for)
Watching the death toll rise wondering how I'm alive.
Strangers blood on my hands, I've shot all I can
There are no silent nights, watching your brothers all die
To destroy all their plans with no care for me
No thought of me, no thought of me
Swallowing Razorblades
I would rather see your face in hell
than speak another word of this perfect world
oh
of this perfect world
oh to be buried
Beneath the waves
i said i'd scream before i cried
than speak another word of this perfect world
oh
of this perfect world
oh to be buried
Beneath the waves
i said i'd scream before i cried
motion sickness love
Should of been, could of been
Would of been dead
If I didn't get the message
Goin' to my head
I am what I am
Most motherfuckers
Don't give a damn
Aw baby think you can
Hit me you can't hurt me suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss
Would of been dead
If I didn't get the message
Goin' to my head
I am what I am
Most motherfuckers
Don't give a damn
Aw baby think you can
Hit me you can't hurt me suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss
a distorted conception of the truth
Pay your surgeon very well
To break the spell of aging
Celebrity skin is this your chin
Or is that war your waging
First born unicorn
Hard core soft porn
Dream of Californication
To break the spell of aging
Celebrity skin is this your chin
Or is that war your waging
First born unicorn
Hard core soft porn
Dream of Californication
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
and all i saw was a false sense of reality
How does it feel when tears freeze,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below.
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below.
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
Monday, January 18, 2010
burn it to the ground
So on Friday, were doing the last clean out of my dads house.
After that it'll almost be ready to be sold.
It's a serious project to get it cleaned up and i dont know who would be willing to buy it but it needs to be sold as soon as possable, so im told.
Towards November and after November 28th, i didn't look forward to going to his house, my home.
This is because so much had been done to it.
It had been seriously neglected and so many people had been in and out cleaning things, that it had lost the homley feeling.
Also because I knew we were clearing out all of my memories from when I was little and no more new ones would be made. We werent simply packing up and moving somewhere else.
If I didnt want to be there, it didnt matter, because they needed to know what was valuble and what should be kept.
But im not looking forward to Friday because after its cleaned, it wont be long before a "For Sale" sign goes up out front.
It'll than be sold and i'll no longer have any reason to go back to Falconer, or to my home.
After that it'll almost be ready to be sold.
It's a serious project to get it cleaned up and i dont know who would be willing to buy it but it needs to be sold as soon as possable, so im told.
Towards November and after November 28th, i didn't look forward to going to his house, my home.
This is because so much had been done to it.
It had been seriously neglected and so many people had been in and out cleaning things, that it had lost the homley feeling.
Also because I knew we were clearing out all of my memories from when I was little and no more new ones would be made. We werent simply packing up and moving somewhere else.
If I didnt want to be there, it didnt matter, because they needed to know what was valuble and what should be kept.
But im not looking forward to Friday because after its cleaned, it wont be long before a "For Sale" sign goes up out front.
It'll than be sold and i'll no longer have any reason to go back to Falconer, or to my home.
lithium
Im really not looking forward to tomorrow.
Simply because i have my families seminare.
The topic?
Coping with the death of a parent/child, branched out into coping with the death of a loved one.
Fuck my life? I think so.
I'm not looking forward to it because im worried i might not be able to keep my composure.
Im not saying im gona ball my eyes out but its a possability that durring one of the clips i might tear up, and I really don't want to attract any attention if that were to happen.
At least once it's over, it's over. I won't have to do any more "research" or anything for that topic.
Come 12pm tomorrow, it's done with.
Simply because i have my families seminare.
The topic?
Coping with the death of a parent/child, branched out into coping with the death of a loved one.
Fuck my life? I think so.
I'm not looking forward to it because im worried i might not be able to keep my composure.
Im not saying im gona ball my eyes out but its a possability that durring one of the clips i might tear up, and I really don't want to attract any attention if that were to happen.
At least once it's over, it's over. I won't have to do any more "research" or anything for that topic.
Come 12pm tomorrow, it's done with.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
This world will run dry and we'll watch the clock. We'll watch what we'll become.
So like every other person in the world, I left all of my work to the last minute.
But instead of making excuses and bitching about how much I have and/or whinning about not getting it done, im just gona suck it up and get to work.
Im going to try and not get as distracted as possable and pull and all nighter if i have to.
It's 8:16pm, which is better than 12am anyways.
But instead of making excuses and bitching about how much I have and/or whinning about not getting it done, im just gona suck it up and get to work.
Im going to try and not get as distracted as possable and pull and all nighter if i have to.
It's 8:16pm, which is better than 12am anyways.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
intro
Today I realized a Hershey's Kiss is a giant chocolate chip. MLIA
holy fuck.
mind blowing..
Besides that person, i hope im not the only one who was amazed by this realization.
holy fuck.
mind blowing..
Besides that person, i hope im not the only one who was amazed by this realization.
high and dry
I want to do something with my life, actualy make a difference.
I know I won't end world hunger, or poverty but if I can affect one persons life, i'd be content.
If I could affect at least one persons life,but in a big way (at least to them) i'd be happy knowing I made a difference.
I know I won't end world hunger, or poverty but if I can affect one persons life, i'd be content.
If I could affect at least one persons life,but in a big way (at least to them) i'd be happy knowing I made a difference.
once only imagined
i wish i could move on with my life.
i do realize its me whose holding myself back, but its still not as simple as that.
i wish i could be like mostly everyone else, mostly just worried about exams and culminatings.
i hate that i can see people moving on with their lives, so easily.
i have to force myself to go out because i usualy dont see the point, i could be home sleeping, in a world where (nine out my 10 times) im blissfuly blind to the fact that my dad is dead.
i do realize its me whose holding myself back, but its still not as simple as that.
i wish i could be like mostly everyone else, mostly just worried about exams and culminatings.
i hate that i can see people moving on with their lives, so easily.
i have to force myself to go out because i usualy dont see the point, i could be home sleeping, in a world where (nine out my 10 times) im blissfuly blind to the fact that my dad is dead.
sweet dreams
i dont understand why i had to loose my dad. i know he would have died eventualy but 51, regardless of what others say, is too young.
i dont understand how people who really wouldn't care if their mom or dad died, and would only feel sad because there their parent, not because they actualy cared, and yet their parent(s) stay alive for the typical life span of 80-100 years.
and yet, people like me, who are really close with their parent(s), have to loose one or both, years too soon.
i dont find it fair.
i dont understand how people who really wouldn't care if their mom or dad died, and would only feel sad because there their parent, not because they actualy cared, and yet their parent(s) stay alive for the typical life span of 80-100 years.
and yet, people like me, who are really close with their parent(s), have to loose one or both, years too soon.
i dont find it fair.
Friday, January 8, 2010
undead
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
under the knife
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real...(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong With me
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that ive done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed...Forgetting All the hurt inside You've learned to hide so well
Pretending Someone else can come and save me from myself
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw 'em up and let something shine...Fuck this hurts I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard...I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge...Wish I could find a way to disappear
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture is there
The memory won’t escape me
There was nothing in sight / but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide / the ashes fell like snow
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real...(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong With me
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that ive done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed...Forgetting All the hurt inside You've learned to hide so well
Pretending Someone else can come and save me from myself
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw 'em up and let something shine...Fuck this hurts I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard...I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge...Wish I could find a way to disappear
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture is there
The memory won’t escape me
There was nothing in sight / but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide / the ashes fell like snow
Thursday, January 7, 2010
storm to pass
Razor wire
Gift wraps the things we’ve done
Afterthoughts
Of past storms weathered before
Gift wraps the things we’ve done
Afterthoughts
Of past storms weathered before
i promise you...
Take the Gun,
and count to three
I’m sweating now..
moving slow..
No time to think,
my turn to go..
And You can See
My Heart Beating..
You Can See it through my chest
...
So just pull the trigger
and count to three
I’m sweating now..
moving slow..
No time to think,
my turn to go..
And You can See
My Heart Beating..
You Can See it through my chest
...
So just pull the trigger
tear the moon from the stars tonight
im getting a bit tired of pretending im okay.
9 out of 10 times i smile, its fake.
10 out of 10 times, its like it hurts.
i know this isnt true but i feel like no one can relate, know one knows what im going through, but again, i know thats not true.
im getting annoyed of peoples fucking attitudes and bitching about stupid shit.
get over it.
i dont know how im going to study for exams and make these last 2 weeks work.
my energy is running low and yet i can stay up all night without feeling like i need to sleep.
my patience is coming to its end and im getting more and more distracted every time i try and do homework and assignments.
i dont care as much about school.
i dont care as much about anything really. i mean obviously i care, but some things just seem pointless.
for some people, it seems like you only asked me how i was, because of wat happend, not that you actualy cared.
if you cared, you wouldnt just talk to me for a few weeks than disappear again (i might be over thinking, or over reacting but this is how i feel)
grief does not go away in a few weeks, or a few months.
im going to be a mess for a while, even if its not noticeable.
9 out of 10 times i smile, its fake.
10 out of 10 times, its like it hurts.
i know this isnt true but i feel like no one can relate, know one knows what im going through, but again, i know thats not true.
im getting annoyed of peoples fucking attitudes and bitching about stupid shit.
get over it.
i dont know how im going to study for exams and make these last 2 weeks work.
my energy is running low and yet i can stay up all night without feeling like i need to sleep.
my patience is coming to its end and im getting more and more distracted every time i try and do homework and assignments.
i dont care as much about school.
i dont care as much about anything really. i mean obviously i care, but some things just seem pointless.
for some people, it seems like you only asked me how i was, because of wat happend, not that you actualy cared.
if you cared, you wouldnt just talk to me for a few weeks than disappear again (i might be over thinking, or over reacting but this is how i feel)
grief does not go away in a few weeks, or a few months.
im going to be a mess for a while, even if its not noticeable.
your fallen angel swept you off your feet
grad dress shopping.
as much as im looking forward to it, im really not.
im never going to get his opinion on it, i could buy the sluttiest dress and get away with it because he isnt around to say anything.
im not saying i would, but if i wanted to, i could.
nevermind, thats an overstatement of course, as chill as my mom is, she would have an issue with hardcore whore.
as much as im looking forward to it, im really not.
im never going to get his opinion on it, i could buy the sluttiest dress and get away with it because he isnt around to say anything.
im not saying i would, but if i wanted to, i could.
nevermind, thats an overstatement of course, as chill as my mom is, she would have an issue with hardcore whore.
russian roulette
I dont think some people realize how many firsts there actualy are.
Theres the first christmas, birthday(mine, his..), easter, thanksgiving, summer, winter, spring ,fall, the one year mark, etc.
What a lot of people dont relaize though is that firsts dont just include major holidays. everyday is a first. Right now its the first january 7th.
It might not sound like a big deal to many people but to me it is.
Everyday is just one more first, another day without him.
Theres the first christmas, birthday(mine, his..), easter, thanksgiving, summer, winter, spring ,fall, the one year mark, etc.
What a lot of people dont relaize though is that firsts dont just include major holidays. everyday is a first. Right now its the first january 7th.
It might not sound like a big deal to many people but to me it is.
Everyday is just one more first, another day without him.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
give me a reason to wake up and face the light
Part of my homework is an essay for families.
The essay is on coping with the death of a loved one.
Fuck..
I dont think i've ever written a harder essay.
The essay is on coping with the death of a loved one.
Fuck..
I dont think i've ever written a harder essay.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
wires and the concept of breathing
Memory. Facts.
Memory can be altered and facts are truth. But facts are also altered. Information always changes.
What we learn in chemistry isn't the same as it was 20 years ago, not everything. Also, what we put down as facts is also put into our memory, and if memory can be altered, than therefore so can facts.
So whats true than?
How can we base truth on facts?
Im not saying facts or memory is wrong, ( because both are equaly capable of being right and wrong) but to say memory can be altered, than your also saying facts can be to.
Both can be right and both can be wrong.Than again, if facts are wrong, than there not facts, just false information.
Memory can be altered and facts are truth. But facts are also altered. Information always changes.
What we learn in chemistry isn't the same as it was 20 years ago, not everything. Also, what we put down as facts is also put into our memory, and if memory can be altered, than therefore so can facts.
So whats true than?
How can we base truth on facts?
Im not saying facts or memory is wrong, ( because both are equaly capable of being right and wrong) but to say memory can be altered, than your also saying facts can be to.
Both can be right and both can be wrong.Than again, if facts are wrong, than there not facts, just false information.
black sunday
While waiting at the train station for my friend and her mom to pick me up, I was tempted to just take one of the trains to Quebec, or somewhere farther away than Cavan.
One day im just gona get on a train, travel as far away as possable, in Canada though, and see what happens.
Meet random people and stay somewhere im very unfamiliare with. I'd be completly vulnerable and lonley but thats part of the reason why I want to do it.
Sound weird? Not to me.
One day im just gona get on a train, travel as far away as possable, in Canada though, and see what happens.
Meet random people and stay somewhere im very unfamiliare with. I'd be completly vulnerable and lonley but thats part of the reason why I want to do it.
Sound weird? Not to me.
a second glance
I want to write on my bedroom wall.
Not with big obnoxious letters, but small print you wouldn't be able to see unless you looked close enough, what with the posters and pictures on my walls.
Something that the person who uses that room next can read.
I want to write memories.
I know it doesn't matter because the walls would be painted before they moved in anyways, but still, doesn't hurt to try.
I'll start before I go to sleep.
Not with big obnoxious letters, but small print you wouldn't be able to see unless you looked close enough, what with the posters and pictures on my walls.
Something that the person who uses that room next can read.
I want to write memories.
I know it doesn't matter because the walls would be painted before they moved in anyways, but still, doesn't hurt to try.
I'll start before I go to sleep.
Fifteen
So I have my mind set to finish half my homework tonight.. this morning, whichever way you look at it.
Problem is I find it harder to concentrate now than ever before, which makes me want to punch myself for not doing my homework at the begining of the break. I made excuses for myself, that I was busy, or tired. Partialy true but I still had nights that I couldv'e used to complete, little by little, some homework, instead of tv, movies, or reading.
I hate procrastination.
Problem is I find it harder to concentrate now than ever before, which makes me want to punch myself for not doing my homework at the begining of the break. I made excuses for myself, that I was busy, or tired. Partialy true but I still had nights that I couldv'e used to complete, little by little, some homework, instead of tv, movies, or reading.
I hate procrastination.
Lullabies for the dormant mind
"..Jim realized that for starlight to be seen from Earth, it had to have travelled trillions of years, which meant that by looking at starlight now, he was looking into time. Time wasn't a black hole- it was light. Gigantic, hummungous, expanding, mind-blowing light. Light that couldn't be contained by seconds or minutes or hours. Time couldn't be contained by the watch on his wrist. Now that he was thinking about time in a big way, it occured to Jim that the watch wasn't much more than a stone-age tool."
-Road to Bliss
Friday, January 1, 2010
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