butterflies and hurricanes

tomorow is needed.
ill get away for a few days, go a little bit up north.
thank god.

paper trail

At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.


If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
 
-A Series of Unfortunate Events

promise

"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"


you know you really are,cc

start the shooting

merry christmas

a shot in the dark

i hate this.. i fucking hate this.
i dont wanna wake up tomorow, because when i do i know that i wont be going to my dads later that day.
when i use to go i felt comfort, now when i go.. its not the same.
boxes, bags, shit everywhere, every electronic item is unpluged, all the food has either been donated or thrown away.
sitting on the couch, in silence, waiting until i leave, knowing he will never walk through that door again.
everytime i put on one of his shirts, i know he will never wear it again.
sorry to be a downer on christmas eve, to whoever reads this, but its hard to be happy,especialy in this circumstance.

over my head

completely misread im better off dead

snow

im worried that youre either slowing becoming a drunk, or insane..
i should not have to worry about you.
i should not be telling you to go to sleep because youre clearly exhausted and have work the next morning and youre still up at 12am.
i should not feel like i need to take care of you, not now.
ive really been questioning you, these past few days.
i dont know what to think.
im possably over reacting, or maybe im not.
who knows...

dead before i died

i wish i still had my dad.
i mean obviously he still is my dad,
but i wish he was alive.

animals

i can feel the pain getting worse and worse

plagues

i got a card in the mail, at my dads house, a few weeks ago.
it was from a woman i didnt know, or prbably did just didnt know know her name because i hadnt seen her in forever.
it was a christmas card for me and my dad.
she obviously didnt know because it wished us a happy christmas and whatever, unless it was just late..
either way it was like..wow.. hes never going to read this.
same with all his bills and other mail he gets addressed to him.
it gets opened up, not by him, but by my cousin, who is co-executive of the will and his money.
things shouldnt be this way.

killing with a smile

i understand your reason, and i accept it, but still..
christmas without a tree seems abnormal.
opening up gifts.. not around a tree, thats not tradition.
this is the first year in 17 years i've had a christmas with no decorations, no tree, no dad, and probably not seeing family..
this christmas really sucks

audience of one

i cant wait for the day when i can sleep in as late as i want and not have to worry about getting up because i have to do something.

deadly beautiful

i was reading some of my old posts today from january to some of march.
i liked a lot of them, the ones that were purely thought based and not about me bitching or something.
Posts that were seperate from everyday life, like drama, feelings and school.
i had really bad english..spelling..grammer though, i mean its not that much better now but at least now i can tell the difference between when to use their and there.
i can also tell when my priorities started to change.
some stuff i couldnt remember why i wrote it but for the most part, i rememberd every thought and reason that went into them.
i think i lost my touch thouh (whatever touch i had) my wording got fucked up along the way to the present.

inevermeanttostartawar

Sometimes I think about calling naomi, my dads ex, and telling her what happend.
They stopped talking after they broke up but still, I wonder how she would feel.
Probably a stupid thing to wonder but I think in this case, she might be better off not knowing.
I think in this case, ignorance is bliss.

gives me hope

Today a four year old boy (the son of a friend) gave me a teddy bear a family friend had just given him.
He knew about my dad and thought it would make me feel better.
It really did.
It made my day, probably my week.
I think im in love:p
He told his mom, my friend, to tell me that whenever i'm sad, to hug it.
It's been with me all day.

how much are you worth?

new cell in january?(yn)
a job?(yn)

origin of symmetry

it does not feel like 22 dyas..
it feels like its been longer and at the same time like it was just 2 days ago


i can not fucking comprehend something i witnessed..wtf
and at the same time, theres so much pain i wish i didnt ever have to wake up

no line on the horizon

i don't think i've ever felt so much jelousy toward so many people before

close my eyes, hope will never die

there is absolutley no fucking way it's possable...

the worst thing to think, but if you were in my situation, most likely you'd be thinking it to

but why should i care?

the darkenss holding me tightly until the sun rises up

a small spot of light floods the floor

its sad that im not looking forward to the 24th or 25th

10000 days

i really regret getting some of those extensions:P

bed of razors

i feel guilty that im not a total mess.. on the outside

1958

i got home and i really didnt want to be there.
i open the lobbey door, walk past the elevators, walk past the stairs and i headed straight for the exit door, making up my next move as i went.
i walked outside and headed for a bench, not too far away form my appartment.
using my purse as a pillow, i laid down and stared at the sky.
watching the clouds go by and seeing the odd star, i felt at peace.
i was freezing cold, no hat and no gloves, and my figners were cold to the point that changing songs on my ipod became a mission.
i kept telling my self " youll get sick, your hands will get frost bite", but it didnt matter.
i dont know why but i felt more comfortable, shaking from the cold, than if i was in my appartment.
lying on that bench, blasting my music, listening to 1958 and hey john, whats your name again, i felt soothed.
i didnt want to go up but i knew i had to becuase this feeling would probably last for a while and i couldnt afford to get sick again.
i just wanted to escape, be completly alone, with maybe contact with one other person.
i cant even beging to explain it, i wish i was still out there.
i dont know if it helped, but i think it did.
i think i found my new serenity.

too many doses and im starting to get an attraction

Every body is tired and poor and sick of trying
If you see me on a corner will you stop or will you splash me?
Take a look at what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of
A pretty family on postcard picture perfect, I don't want it

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

Shitty weather, bad timing, lucky penny glues to the ground,
dirty look from total stranger, hope you get lost and your not found
Take a look at, what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of
A pretty family on postcard picture perfect, I don't want it

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

This is, how it, it goes

So unscrew my head, and then rinse it out,
Polish my thoughts, turn into doubts

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes
You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul,
Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

So I hold my breath till my heart explodes

i never thought that this is how id hit the floor

i cant go any further than this

i dont give a fuck what you think or say

its hard to figure out what i want to listen to.
beyond linkin park, atreyu and avenged sevenfold, and at random times billy talent, devil wears prada and a day to remember or other songs, i dont find happiness in artists i once use to.
i listen to them but i dont get the same satisfaction.

undead

i feel so numb and empty.
i dont really care about school anymore.
everything i cared about before seems pointless.
i still care about my family and friends but mostly everything else not so much.

40 ounces to freedom

i hate this.
i really do.
i cant concetrate.
i feel so stressed.
i dont want to be at school.
i want to hide in my bed and never wake up.
problem being, i think ive become partialy insomniac.
i dont usualy get tired and i have to force myself to sleep.
ive had my bedroom curtains closed since november 28th.
i dont believe im strong, just that im in denial.
i dont know if ill ever get over it.
im scared for the future.
i feel like im over reacting.
i feel guilty when i smile or laugh.
it hurts to smile and laugh.
ive never been in so much pain before.its unexplainable.
i wish you could be here.
everyday i hope to god im just in a horribly real, long nightmare.
every morning i want to go back to sleep, because its easier than facing the truth.

i said i love you and i swear i still do

love
families
dads
cooking
baking
tea
tv
movies
shows
gardening
knowledge
death
cancer
hospitals
idiocracy
large words..
school
university
football
hockey
golf
enya
U2
AC/DC
books
history
science
logic
religion
church
ireland/irish..
strength
weakness
happiness
sadness
seasons
tubbing
tobogganing
christmas
March
November
October
Septmenber
west 49
vacation
suprises
places
camping
classic music
baseball
tennis
manners
chinese food
popey
paintings
creativity
ice cream
espresso
video games
loss
the future
appreciation
the past
your sweater
the tigger you gave me
some of your shirts
humour
peacefulness
candles

Rest In Peace

        My dad was an amazing person. He had such a good sense of humour that was still present up until his last 10 minutes. It isn't fair that he was taken from us, and it feels like we didn't get enough time with him, however, it would probably never feel like enough time.
        I loved my dad so much, he meant the world to me, and he still does. There aren't enough words to describe the amount of pain that I'm going through, as I'm sure everyone who also loved him is.
         He affected so many people. He wasn't just a fatehr, he was a brother, son, nephew, cousin, husband, boyfriend, uncle, friend, godfather, employee and best friend. He was loved by a lot of people which shows how special he was to everyone. I miss my dad a lot, I'll never forget him. I know he'll always be in our thoughts and prayers.
         To me, my dad wasn't just a father but also my hero. He was so unbelievably strong, I only wish that I could be half as strong as him. In my eyes, no man, or anyone will ever compare to him, he's irreplacable. He taught me so many things, told me stories, kept me safe, and in the end it isn't about the time amount of things he bought me, but all the little things that, no matter what, I'll always be thankful for and will always remember.
         This whole situation doesn't seem real. How could someone who means so much to so many people, and was too young, pass away? I never thought I would loose my dad at this age, mine and his. No one could ever be able to explain what it feels like to find out your parent is really sick. Having numerous talks about the future and the inevitable, instead of what happened durring the week at my school or his work. Or not being able to visit him because he's too sick. I never imagined or even thought that I would be going shopping for clothes that I would be wearing to my dads funeral, or writing him a letter while he's in the hospital letting him know how i feel, and now at his funeral, talking about my late dad.
          Nothing could ever express what it feels like to walk into a house I know he will never step into again, and search for pictures that will be displayed at his fuenral or getting the house, I grew up in, ready to be put on the market, to be sold to some stranger, and than proceeding to visit my dad, who would only be alive for a couple more hours. Something I'll never forget though is watching someone i love so much slowly die over a course of months, and within 10 minutes just pass away. Hearing the last noise he ever made will haunt me for the rest of my life.
           Memories fill my mind from when i was little, to just last week. I only wish there could be more, but i know there never will be. But it's okay becase he's not in pain anymore, he's finaly at peace. He's in a better place which is what's important. I admire my dad so much, and I'll miss him forever. It wont be easy but eventualy we'll be able to get through this together, which is what he would've wanted.
          I love you dad.
       

you're the reason i still cry

Im sitting here reading a book for english, and all i can think is how i'll never be able to share with him (on a physical level) what im doing in school, or whats going on in my life. Ill never get to hear his thoughts, his oppinions or his ideas. He'll never be around anymore to lend me a book he thinks i might like, or advise something that might help me.

the world is so cold now that you've gone away

I can't explain how much I love and appreciate my friends and family

i can't deal, it's so unfair

well that was random.
thank you.
It was a nice suprise:)
k.m

in loving memory

I don't think im ready for school next week.
Honestly, I dont know if i'll ever be ready.
Every time i see something relating to my situation it kills me a little bit more inside, and it seems like thats all the time.
Im scared that i'll forget what he looks like, or sounds like.
I really wish that I could hear his voice again, just one last time, or see him, and not in any picture, but in the flesh.
I don't know what to do.