suck out the poison

Apparently time heals everything, which in a sense I guess is true, depending.
Time can also make things worse.
It's been 5 months, 152 days (almost 153 days) that I haven't seen my dad or talked to him, and that time line will only get longer. He is never coming back, I will never see him again.
As much as I've accepted this, I still haven't, at all, if that makes any sense.
Each day is one more that I haven't been able to talk to him. That's really all I want to do.
I keep imagining when I use to sit on the island, in the kitchen, and tell him about my week, while he was cooking something.
I wish I could say the pain has gone away but it hasn't; meanwhile, I still feel numb.

I should consider myself lucky i guess, in some peoples eyes, because i got to say bye, i got to tell him how i feel, i had to time accept his inevitable death, that he wasn't sick for that long, some people have to deal with it for years. All of that is true.

What those people don't understand though is that he had been sick for years with other health problems and i found out he had cancer, some 2-3 months before he passed. 2-3 months isn't enough time to accept that your parent will die, and it didn't help that i denied it. i refused to believe that my dad would die. He knew something was wrong probably 2 or so months before he told me, but the cancer had probably been there for a bout a year.

Yes i did get to tell him how i felt and I'm very grateful for that and I'm glad that i was there when he passed but at the same time, i was there when he died. i saw my dad die,and it wasn't like he just closed his eyes. It was the scariest 5 minutes of my life.

Also, when he was sick, he wasn't the same dad i knew 6 months earlier. He was weak, thin, exhausted, heavily medicated, in severe pain, not the same. I still loved him unconditionally, obviously, but imagine watching someone you love so much deteriorate. imagine watching them go through so much pain, and you know you cant do anything for them except let them know you're there and would do anything for them, to make it easier.

He did so much so that he could be here for me and in the end, he still ended up dieing too early.
its for that reason that i question God, but i know i shouldn't.

I know i should accept his death, but i don't want to. is it wrong to not want to move on?
I'm scared that ill slowly stop thinking about him, once a day can turn into a few times a week, few times a month..
I don't want that to be me.
its unbelievable how much i want to say but i can never get it all out, there's always something more.
Will i ever be in a good mood again, or a great one? Genuinely i mean..

I miss you, I love you.
153 days.

dark horse

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
-Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one.
-Mark Twain

revolutions per minute

Man is the only animal who enjoys the consolation of believing in a next life;
all other animals enjoy the consolation of not worrying about it.
-Robert Brault

lies for the liars

When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be a doctor.
-Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotics Notebook, 1960

scream

Have you ever had so much to say
that your mouth closed up tight,
struggling to harness the nuclear force
coalescing within your words?

Have you ever
had so many thoughts
churning inside that you didn't
dare let them escape,
in case they blew you wide open?

Have you ever
been so angry that you
couldn't look in the mirror
for fear of finding the face of evil glaring back at you?
-Crank

fallen leaves

5 months
152 days

leave out all the rest

-there's a movie on TV behind me, that's been playing for about 25 minutes, and i have no idea what it is because i haven't bothered to just get up and find out
-i have a data test tomorrow which i should really study for, but i cant concentrate. " its funny what seems interesting when you're procrastinating"- tom kowalski
- in history class on Friday, i discovered that typing tutor is just as boring as it was in grade 9, career cruiser or whatever said i should become many things, varying from daredevil to chimney sweep, also there's an application on the computers at school to find planets and moons and give exact longitude and latitude of places.
-i think ill "work out", maybe run up and down the stairs..
-I'm paranoid about getting my tattoo ruined; taking showers is a mission.
-i woke up at 9 am today to do laundry, so that i could beat the rush
- besides the times wen i was out doing laundry, i stayed in bed today for about 20 hours, from 1:30am to 8:30 pm.
- exhaustion sucks when no amount of sleep seems to work.
- I'm kinda curious to find out what that movie is
-today i found out that there's a teletoon on demand channel; i spent about 3 hours watching 6teen over and over again.
-the curtains in my room haven't been open since November, except for once, but it was necessary.
-i wonder if they'll ever make a modern version of the wizard of oz.
-a year ago, this week id be leaving for new york.
- i was so worried about not waking up early enough for that trip that i had 3 nightmares about it.
- prom dress shopping on Sunday and I'm not as excited as i probably should be.
-late night tonight, for sure.
-and now im gona go run up and down some stairs.

ready, set, go

i really hope that you're okay, and you dont do anything.
that night was deffinitly scary, and shocking.
thank you for opening up though, just hope i helped.

alive or just breathing

fucking amazing concert
 a day to remember is incredible live:)

sirens

thursday, april 22:)

bridge to nowhere

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiating

you're something beautiful
a contradiction

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
but I'm restricted

As your castles crumble slowly we watch them fall

Don't climb for a lifetime only to fall short of infinity
Everything is left.
With faith, some minds are sand;
But i prefer concrete.
This is what is going to separate us from them.
Time for the next chapter
Keep this on your mind.
Keep it within your eyelids.

We don’t disappear just because your eyes are shut

21 days to get into a habit
lets not loaft on this one

this is gona sound like a bad joke

are we still friends?

And now I don't believe In having faith in nothing

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss


And I just can’t look its killing me

And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

Why do things that matter the most never end up being what we chose

i have never felt so much jelousy towards so many people for so long.

please erase my dreams

seriously have to stop loafting on making this appoitnment
but...
virtus or animus?
im thinking virtus

walk with me in hell

wow, thats pathetic.
whatever supposed feelings i may have had for you were completly detroyed after i heard all of that.
honestly, grow up and realise that not everything is about you and alcohol.