suck out the poison

Apparently time heals everything, which in a sense I guess is true, depending.
Time can also make things worse.
It's been 5 months, 152 days (almost 153 days) that I haven't seen my dad or talked to him, and that time line will only get longer. He is never coming back, I will never see him again.
As much as I've accepted this, I still haven't, at all, if that makes any sense.
Each day is one more that I haven't been able to talk to him. That's really all I want to do.
I keep imagining when I use to sit on the island, in the kitchen, and tell him about my week, while he was cooking something.
I wish I could say the pain has gone away but it hasn't; meanwhile, I still feel numb.

I should consider myself lucky i guess, in some peoples eyes, because i got to say bye, i got to tell him how i feel, i had to time accept his inevitable death, that he wasn't sick for that long, some people have to deal with it for years. All of that is true.

What those people don't understand though is that he had been sick for years with other health problems and i found out he had cancer, some 2-3 months before he passed. 2-3 months isn't enough time to accept that your parent will die, and it didn't help that i denied it. i refused to believe that my dad would die. He knew something was wrong probably 2 or so months before he told me, but the cancer had probably been there for a bout a year.

Yes i did get to tell him how i felt and I'm very grateful for that and I'm glad that i was there when he passed but at the same time, i was there when he died. i saw my dad die,and it wasn't like he just closed his eyes. It was the scariest 5 minutes of my life.

Also, when he was sick, he wasn't the same dad i knew 6 months earlier. He was weak, thin, exhausted, heavily medicated, in severe pain, not the same. I still loved him unconditionally, obviously, but imagine watching someone you love so much deteriorate. imagine watching them go through so much pain, and you know you cant do anything for them except let them know you're there and would do anything for them, to make it easier.

He did so much so that he could be here for me and in the end, he still ended up dieing too early.
its for that reason that i question God, but i know i shouldn't.

I know i should accept his death, but i don't want to. is it wrong to not want to move on?
I'm scared that ill slowly stop thinking about him, once a day can turn into a few times a week, few times a month..
I don't want that to be me.
its unbelievable how much i want to say but i can never get it all out, there's always something more.
Will i ever be in a good mood again, or a great one? Genuinely i mean..

I miss you, I love you.
153 days.