because there's beauty in the breakdown

61 days

Not a single day has passed where i havnt though of you.
I miss you so much.
Its terrifying knowing you'll never be around.
I fucking hate it.
I hate God for taking you away.
I hate the disease for taking you.
I hate that i feel so fucking lonley.
I cant figure out how you deserved that, how i deserve this, how my family deserves this.
I try so hard to figure everything out and it seems like im not getting any clsoer to the answer.
The only man in the entire world i have ever trusted, actualy no.. more like the only person. Yeah i trust my mother, but i know shed tell her boyfriend or ehr work friends at least something.
The one who knew me in and out, sometimes it seemed more than i knew myself.
My mom thinks she knows me, sometimes she does, but not always.
My friends dont know, not everything.
But you did, and i have no idea how.
I hate how jelous I am.
Of people who still have families, their paretns are still together, no ones died.
I had to go through my parents divorce "alone", because none of my friends knew what it was like; just like they dont know what its like to loose a parent.
You can try all you want to imagine and you may even get close but trust me, its still unimagineable.
Loss is loss and i do know people whove lost someone very very very close to them, and in a way it's the same, but the bond is different. The loss isnt harder, or easier, but different.
Im scared about loosing my mom.
Im jelous of people who get to move on with their lives.
Trust me, it does not take a week to grieve, not a month, 6 months, but years; years and years.
I might never stop grieving, it just might get easier.
Everyone is different.
I may look fine, but im a mess on the inside.
I say im fine, im okay, no im really not.
Its not just stress.
Stress is a joke.
Stress takes up about 10-15% of what im thinking about.
Its not fair.