no i dont feel what i felt before

i know you're trying to "prepare" me, and i appreciate it,
however, i'll never be prepared.
How can someone be ready for that sort of thing?
i know i'm not nearly strong enough to handle it, as much as people think i am.
I'm in denial, but I know it will happen, I just havn't allowed myself to believe it.
How can something like that happen?
Not yet, not now.
I dont want to think about all the things that will happen.
I know I probably should but I cant do it.
I've never prayed so much in my life but it seems useless.
As much as i look forward to seeing you everyday, I also don't.
I hate seeing you like that, and I hate when you're in a bad mood, which lately, is all the time.
And anyway, right about now would be a great time for a miracle...